Mamoru Must Die!
by Baka Gaijin30
Summary: Repost. There are a lot of fans out there of the Rei and Usagi pairing. There's just one problem... Mamoru. A series of omake in which Mamoru Must Die!
1. Chapter 1

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Author's Note- this is the first in what will hopefully be a series of omake (a short spoof or parody). You see, it seems like there's an awful lot of people out there who are fans of the Rei/Usagi pairing. Hell, just look at the number of fanfics dealing with this pair.

But, there's a small problem: Mamoru. Yes folks, unfortunately tux-boy is always there to ruin this pairing. Therefore, ladies and gentleman, Mamoru Must Die!

---Omake One: Little Girl Lost---

The little girl was lost, afraid in the big city. She'd lost her parents a while back in the crowded Tokyo streets. With tears running down her eyes, she stood at the busy intersection. The light had changed, and she was about to be dragged with the crowd further from her folks, when a rose flew down from above, landing an her feet.

"A child belongs with her parents, not alone and lost in the streets." a gentle voice said, "Come, I'll help you."

The child turned to see a man wearing a long cape over a tuxedo, his features hidden by a top hat and mask, and in his hand he held a cane.

She immediately panicked.

"**AAAA!**" she screamed, "It's a pimp! He's trying to steal me away!"

The man looked anxiously around at the now angry adults staring at him,

"WHAT? Kid, I'm not dressed like this because I'm a pimp! I'm Tuxedo..."

Quickly remembering what she learned in the self-defense for kids class at the YWCA her parents sent her to, the child immediately cut the stranger off with a swift kick to the groin. As he staggered back in agony clutching his crotch, the light changed, and he was killed by a head-on collision with a Mack truck.

The next day, Rei went over to a tearful Usagi's house where her blond friend was weeping over a newspaper with the headline, "Hero girl fights off Pervert."

"He... He's gone..." Usagi sobbed, "My Mamo-chan... gone..."

"That's okay." Rei said as she wrapped her arms around the blond, her eyes narrowing ever so softly as a smile teased her lips, "I'm sure **I** can help comfort you..."

-To Be Continued-


	2. Chapter 2

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

---Omake Two: Electricity and Water Don't Mix---

The Sailor Senshi were facing a particularly tough youma, one that appeared out of nowhere during an outdoor picnic and looked like a porcupine, capable of firing its quills at will at the heroines. As Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mercury ducked under one of the attacks, the thing fired a group of the deadly needle-like projectiles at Sailor Moon, pinning her fuku to a nearby tree. As the young blond started to scream, a rose flew down at the monsters feet.

Looking up, Sailor Moon and the others saw Tuxedo Kamen standing on the branch of a large oak tree.

"A picnic is meant to be a time for fun and joy, but you have ruined it by..." he was cut off as the youma fired a volley of quills at him. He easily maneuvered out of the way, and they struck a hornet's nest on another branch, knocking it to the ground.

Leaping off the branch he was on, his cane shot forward and hit the youma in the face. Falling to the ground, Tuxedo Kamen's hat fell off his head. As Sailor Mars pulled the last of the quills out to release Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Kamen turned away from the stunned youma to face her.

"Now, Sailor Moon!" he shouted. The blond nodded as she faced the monster.

"Moon Tiara Action!" she shouted. A second later, the menace was no more.

"Usagi," Sailor Mars asked with concern, "Are you alright?"

Usagi nodded quickly, "Just a few cuts and scratches." she answered. Tuxedo smiled at her as he knelt down to retrieve his hat.

"It's a good thing I was nearby." he said, not looking as he grabbed the nearest object he could find and put it on his head, "If I hadn't showed up... ow... You would've been... Ow! What the hell is... OW!"

It was then that the hero realized that, instead of putting his top hat back on, he was wearing the hornet's nest on his head.

"Aaaaa! Get it off! Get it off!" he screamed as he ran around in circles waving his arms. Luna ran over at the sounds of yelling as Sailor Mars tried to come to his rescue.

"Tuxedo Kamen!" she yelled, "Hold still! Fire Soul!" she shouted.

Unfortunately, Tuxedo Kamen didn't hold still. He now started yelling louder, as the hornets continued their attack on his skull and the seat of his pants burst into flames at Sailor Mars' attack. As both Luna and Sailor Moon watched, both Sailors Jupiter and Mercury decided, independent of one another, to come to Tuxedo Kamen's aid.

"Jupiter Thunder Crash!"

"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"

Unfortunately, the combination of a water attack and an electrical attack was not the best of ideas. As Sailor Moon tearfully walked over to the smoldering pile of ashes that had once been her fiancée, both Mercury and Jupiter looked down sheepishly. Sailor Mars walked over carrying Luna in one arm as she put her other hand on Usagi's shoulder.

"I'm... I'm so sorry, Usagi-chan." she began, "And yet... And yet I feel as if I can now finally say something I've wanted to for a long time."

Sailor Moon wiped her eyes, "Rei?" she began, "What..."

"I love you, Usagi." she admitted, "I have for a while now, but I've been too afraid to say anything, especially knowing what you and Mamoru meant to one another."

"Rei." Usagi gasped, "I don't know what to say, I... But... But Mamoru just died, this is so sudden... Luna," Usagi said, looking at the cat in Rei's arms, "Luna, Rei loves me, and I... I think that I... what should I do? Should I allow myself to fall in love again, this time with Rei-chan?"

Luna rolled her eyes, "Might as well," she quipped, motioning to the still smoldering pile of ashes with her paw, "The future's fucked now anyways."

-To Be Continued-


	3. Chapter 3

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

---Editorial---

"Ladies and gentleman," the announcer's voice said, "in the interest of fairness, we offer a rebuttal to the omake series 'Mamoru Must Die'."

An attractive young woman with long dark green hair and sporting a stylish outfit stood in front of some curtains, "Thank you." she says, "My name is Meiou Setsuna, and I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the series, 'Mamoru Must Die.' Chiba Mamoru is a wonderful young man, who volunteers to help on weekends at the local orphanage and donates blood on a regular basis. This series is just another example of male bashing in shoujo-ai fanfiction, and I..."

"Pssst."

"I for one..."

"Psst. Hey! Pssst!"

Setsuna was suddenly joined by her roommates Tenoh Haruka and Kaioh Michiru.

"Ruka, Michi, do you mind?" Setsuna asked angrily, "I'm trying to..."

"Oh please." Haruka interrupted, "Everyone knows you're only upset because you had a thing for Mamo-kun in the manga."

"Hey!" the Senshi of Time said angrily, "That's not fair! I..." she was cut off by Michiru coming over and leaning in to her.

"Sets-chan." the wavy haired artist cooed, "Everyone's waiting for the new episode. You know; the one Ruka-kun and I have a part in. So tell you what; if you end your rant and let everyone get on with the chapter, me and Ruka will..." she began whispering into the Time Senshi's ear.

Suddenly, Setsuna's eyes opened wide, "Menage a trois...? Rope and whipped cream...?" the woman's face began to blush feverishly. Suddenly, she looked puzzled. "Ruka's special talent? What special talent?"

As if on cue, Haruka reached into the pocket of the jacket she was wearing and pulled out a jar of cherries. She opened the lid, pulled a cherry out by its stem, and plopped it into her mouth. After a few seconds chewing, she stuck her tongue out at Setsuna.

There, on the tip of the tomboy's tongue, was the cherry stem tied into a knot.

Setsuna was speechless, "She... She... with her tongue?"

Michiru smiled seductively, "Imagine what else she can do." she purred.

Setsuna suddenly put her hand up to her face and ran away. Haruka put her arm around Michiru and smiled out at the audience.

"While Setsuna is taking care of her nosebleed, here's a spoof of a now infamous episode of the TV classic, 'Happy Days.' Enjoy."

---Omake Three: Mamoru Jumps the Shark---

"Mamo, don't do it!" Minako begged. She was dressed in a fifties ensemble, and was worriedly looking at the young man sitting on the pier wearing a pair of water skis and a leather jacket. Mamoru looked over to the young woman, his greased, slicked back hair glistening under the sun as he grinned.

"Heyyyy," he said as he gave his trademark thumbs up sign, "Don't worry about it; I'm the Mamo, remember? Heyyyy."

"But Mamo," Ami now said, "What if something goes wrong? I mean, you're actually going to water ski off a ramp over a cage where a captured great white is being kept? Are you nuts?"

Just then, the smarmy jerk Ruka-kun came over, her slicked back sandy-blonde hair likewise shining under the sun. Standing next to Ruka was Michiru, wearing a tight sweater and skirt that came just above the knees.

"So," Ruka began as Michiru chewed her gum, "Ya ready to back out?"

"Heyyyy, are you kidding? I'm the Mamo, Heyyyy." He then snapped his fingers, and a bubbly blond with her hair pulled up into long odangos ran over, giving him a long, sensuous kiss, "Heyyyy." he said as he finished the kiss.

"Mamo, please!" Ami begged.

"Please reconsider." Minako added.

"Heyyyy." the Mamo said as he once again gave the thumbs up. Taking the water ski rope in his hand, he motioned for Makoto to start up the engine on the boat.

"Mamo, be careful." Usagi, the blond with the odangos begged.

"Heyyyy." Mamoru answered as he was suddenly whisked away and toward the water ski jump.

"Well, I'll be." Michiru said as she stood next to Ruka, "He really did it."

Mamoru held tight to the rope as the jump came up. Up ahead, he could see the shark's dorsal fin sticking up in the water. He hit the jump...

And the rope snapped.

"Heyyyyyyyooooooooshiiiiiiiiiiit!" he screamed as he went down like a bullet into the cage where the shark was being kept captive.

As the stunned onlookers on the pier watched the Mamo being ripped to shreds, a motorcycle sped over. The rider, a young woman wearing a tight pink outfit, dismounted and took her helmet off. The others watched as her long, luxurious raven-colored hair cascaded down her back.

"Look guys!" Ami said, "It's Rei 'Pinky' Hino!"

Pinky Hino came over to the gang, her helmet held under her right arm, "Hey, what's going on? Where's the Mamo?"

"He... He..." Usagi began, but then started crying, "He's been eaten by a shark!"

"What?" Pinky Hino asked. Minako nodded her head.

"It's true." she said sadly. Pinky looked over at Usagi, who was still crying, and smiled.

"Don't cry." she said as she gently cupped the blonde's face in her hand, "I have an extra helmet. Come on, I'll take you to Inspiration Point. And once we're there, I know some ways to... cheer you up." she said suggestively

Usagi wiped her eyes, "Really?" she asked as she followed the other girl to the motorcycle, "Gee, thanks Pinky, I..."

"Call me Rei." The girl said as she passed Usagi her helmet. The others watched as Pinky Hino and Usagi rode off into the sunset together.

---To Be Continued---


	4. Chapter 4

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Author's Note: First off, I want to thank everyone whose been following this series, and especially those of you out there volunteering ideas (especially Alara Moonrunner, who suggested killing him off by his getting in the way of the Senshi attacks and whom I forgot to acknowledge in chapter two).

The following episode is based on a nominee for the Darwin Awards a few years back. Enjoy.

------

---Episode Four: Splat!---

Tuxedo Kamen received the distress call and hurried over to the dilapidated old hotel as fast as he could. When he got there, he found the Sailor Senshi battling a huge five hundred pound youma up on the roof. The Senshi had tried all their attacks, but nothing had worked. The young women were cowering near the end of the roof, and Tuxedo Kamen knew he didn't have time to get up there to save them.

He pulled his rose out, knowing his aim would have to be perfect.

"Sailor Moon, duck!" he shouted as he flung the fragrant projectile. Usagi moved out of the way just in time as the rose imbedded itself into the youma's heart like a dagger.

"Tuxedo Kamen, you saved us!" Sailor Moon cheered.

The thing clutched its chest as its eyes rolled back.

"Don't mention it." Tuxedo Kamen said with a smile, "It was nothing, really."

The youma then fell dead from the five story building's roof.

"Mamo-chan!" Sailor Venus screamed, "Look out!"

"Huh?" Tuxedo Kamen asked, "Wha..."

Unfortunately for all involved, the dead body of the five hundred pound youma landed directly on top of Tuxedo Kamen. The impact cracked the sidewalk the hero was standing on and squashed his body like a grape.

In the stunned silence that followed, Sailor Moon began to weep, her heart breaking as she saw her love sprawled out under the beast, his tongue sticking out in an almost comical way. She'd never felt pain like this before, and didn't know if it was possible for her to ever feel happy again.

Just then, a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind, pulling her into a hug.

"Usagi." Rei whispered, "I... I'm so sorry."

Makoto leaned over the side of the dilapidated building when she thought she saw something. It almost looked like Tuxedo Kamen was ever so slightly stirring under the youma's body. "Hey guys!" she shouted excitedly, "I..." before she could finish her sentence, a loose brick on the balcony she was leaning on came free and fell straight down, landing on Tuxedo Kamen's face. "Uh... Never mind." she said sheepishly.

"He's dead." Usagi sobbed, "The only love I ever had, I..."

"Not your only love." Rei said, her voice thick with emotions.

Usagi turned around in her friends arms and looked at her funny, "Rei?" she asked, "What do you mean?"

"I... I love you, Usagi. I have for a while now. I know how sad you are, and how heartbroken, but if... If you gave me a chance Usagi, I could make you so happy. And I know that if Mamo-chan were around, he'd... That's funny, how'd that brick get there? Anyways, if he were around he wouldn't want you to be sad and depressed; he'd want you to be happy too."

Usagi's beautiful blue eyes widened as she reached over and stroked Rei's cheek, "Rei-chan..." she whispered breathlessly.

Rei smiled, "Come." she said, "We'll go to my place."

And so, as the refuse truck came by to dispose of the youma and Mamoru, Rei and Usagi joined hands, intent on starting their new life together.

---To Be Continued---


	5. Chapter 5

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Author's note: Again, I want to thank all of you who have read and reviewed, especially those of you who've offered ideas. This chapter is dedicated to Lindsay Murphy who mentioned Monty Python in a review and set my warped mind reeling. Enjoy.

---Omake Five: Shishkabob---

Chibi Usa was once again visiting the past when a youma began running wild in the shopping district. She went with Sailor Moon and the others, only to find the quick moving monster too much for them.

"We're sunk!" Sailor Jupiter hissed.

"Usagi-chan, I'm scared." Chibi Usa admitted. Before the future queen and mother could answer her daughter, a rose flew down in front of the youma standing in front of an electronics store, signaling the arrival of Tuxedo Kamen. More good news came with the arrival of Sailor Saturn and the other Outers.

"Silence wall!" Saturn called out. Sailor Venus then made her move.

"Venus Love-Me Chain!" she shouted, trapping the now disoriented youma in the chain of hearts, "Now Sailor Moon!"

Sailor Moon used her "Moon Tiara Action" attack, destroying the monster. Sailor Saturn smiled with the other Senshi as she rested her Silence Glaive casually on her shoulder, Tuxedo Kamen coming down and landing next to the young Outer.

Chibi Usa, seeing her best friend, waved to her excitedly.

"Hotaru-chan!" Chibi Usa cried cheerfully. Sailor Saturn happily turned quickly toward the voice of her best friend, her Silence Glaive still resting on her shoulder.

**Ka-Thunk!**

At first Saturn didn't understand the horrified looks of her fellow Senshi. She then turned around to see what everyone was staring at.

There was Tuxedo Kamen, his head impaled on the end of the Silence Glaive. Horrified, she pulled it out, at which point the hero fell in a heap to the ground.

"No!" Usagi screamed in anguish. Ami quickly ran over to check on Tuxedo Kamen's condition as Rei went to Usagi's side. Chibi Usa was likewise grief stricken at first, but her initial anguish was quickly replaced by puzzlement.

"Hey, wait a second," the overly-kawaii, pink haired girl said, "If

Mamo-chan's dead, then shouldn't I cease to..."

**Poof!**

Everyone looked on as Chibi Usa suddenly disappeared. Sailor Saturn, loosing the best friend she ever had started to cry on her Haruka-papa's shoulder as Rei hugged Usagi consolingly.

"Usagi" Rei said, "I'm so sorry Mamoru's dead, but..."

"He's not _quite_ dead yet." Ami called over. Rei raised an eyebrow at that.

"Usagi," the Senshi of Fire began again, "I know Mamo-chan's **mortally wounded**, but..."

"Actually, he's feeling much better." Ami called over again. Rei made a face as she snapped her fingers, and immediately two suspiciously familiar looking crows attacked Mamoru, ripping him to shreds.

"Well, he's dead now." Ami sighed. Rei tried to hide her annoyance as she looked back over to Usagi.

"**ANYWAYS**, like I was trying to say, Mamoru's dead Usagi, and I'm here. I may not be Mamoru, but I could make you happy Usagi-chan. I know I could, if you let me."

Usagi looked sorrowfully at her friend and fellow Senshi, "But... But how can I ever be happy again? I didn't just loose Mamo-chan, I lost Chibi Usa as well."

Suddenly, the display TV in the window of the electronics store blared out, "This is a news special report; new hope for lesbians who want children but who don't want to go the route of adoption or sperm donation. Scientists in Sweden have discovered a way to combine the DNA from two egg cells to produce a viable fetus. They say..."

**Poof!**

Suddenly, Chibi Usa reappeared. As Hotaru ran joyfully to hug her best friend, Usagi wiped the tears from her eyes as she looked at Rei, now seeing more than just a friend in the familiar features of her fellow Senshi.

---To Be Continued---


	6. Chapter 6

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

------

A video camera is turned on, and the surroundings flew by the screen as the amateur filmmaker moved it around, finally aiming it at her own smiling face.

"Hey guys," the cheerful blond said, "Minako here with my video camera. Since this series of omakes started, it has become surprisingly popular. Therefore, I thought you'd like a peek behind the scenes.

The scene suddenly changed to a behind the scenes cafeteria.

"...and that's another thing." Makoto griped as she sat at the table across from Ami, "Character development. There's no character development in any of these damn stories! We're just there as plot devices while Mamoru gets killed and Rei winds up with Usagi."

"Yeah but Mako-chan, it's not like we have much of a choice in the matter." Ami answered, "There's bills to pay, remember? There's not going to be a sixth season, so it's either this or the car show circuit again."

"I know love, but..."

"You know," Haruka put in from the table she and Michiru were sitting at, "I was going to stay out of this whine-fest of yours, but come on! For the amount of money we're getting paid to appear in this fanfic series I hardly think you have room to complain miss 'I'm an actress, where's my motivation in this scene where Mamoru gets gored'?"

"Oh really?" Makoto asked angrily, "Well, there are plenty of fans out there of the Usagi and _Haruka_ pairing; how about we change the series to 'Michiru Must Die'?"

Michiru spit out the water she was drinking while Haruka frowned at Makoto. The tomboy then looked over and noticed Minako.

"Minako! Are you taping this?" she asked angrily, "Knock it off now or I'll shove that camera so far up your..."

Suddenly the camera started moving wildly, eventually falling upon Minako's face as she ran desperately from Haruka's clutches.

"Er... Okay gang, and now, on with the next omake."

"Come back here you blond bimbo, I'll..."

---Omake Six: Jailbait---

Usagi sat nervously in front of her parents, her boyfriend Mamoru and her closest friend among the Senshi Rei sitting with her on the couch to offer their support.

"So that... That's it mom and dad. You see, I'm Sailor Moon, and my friends are actually the Sailor Senshi."

Usagi's mother looked over to her husband, then back to Usagi, "Well, while we're less than thrilled about the idea of you running around fighting these 'youma' things, we do support you.

Rei smiled, "See Usagi. I told you your parents would be behind you. They're wonderful folks; I knew that the first time I met your mother. I don't see what you were so nervous about."

Both parents beamed with pride.

"Thank you very much young lady." Usagi's father said. It was then the patriarch of the family noticed Mamoru sitting on the couch with the two girls. "And you must be Rei-chan's older brother, I..."

Mamoru shook his head, "Actually no, I'm Usagi's..."

"Teacher?" Usagi's mother asked, "Tutor?"

"No ma'am, me and Usagi are dating, and..."

"You **WHAT?**" Mrs. Tsukino shrieked. Usagi's dad narrowed his eyes.

"Exactly how old are you, young man?"

"I'm twenty, but..."

"Twenty?" Mr. Tsukino asked in shock, "Twenty? A **twenty** year old man is having romantic liaisons with my precious little **fifteen** year old daughter?"

"Daddy wait," Usagi jumped in, "It's not like that."

"Yeah," Mamoru put in, "You see, we're going to be the future king and queen, and our daughter will..." Mamoru's voice drifted off as Usagi's father stood up from his seat, went to his closet, and pulled out a shotgun.

"Punk," the elder Tsukino growled, "I'm giving you 'till the count of three before I start blasting!"

Mamoru jumped up from the couch in a panic and ran outside, Usagi's father in hot pursuit. Inside the house, Usagi and Rei both jumped when they heard the sound of gunfire coming in from outside.

"Mom!" Usagi pleaded, "You have to stop them. Dad will kill him!"

Her mom just shook her head, "You know, I can accept your fighting monsters, being the reincarnation of a Moon Princess, and time travel, but _this_?"

Both young women looked nervously up as Usagi's father came back in, smoke rising from his shotgun.

"Well that took care of him." Mr. Tsukino said grimly. Usagi lost all the color in his face.

"Daddy?" she asked, "Tell me you didn't..."

"No, of course not." he answered, "I fired over his head. He was so scared though that he ran into an open manhole."

"Thank heavens," Usagi sighed in relief.

"Yeah, I didn't kill him. The crocodiles down in the sewers, on the other hand…"

As Usagi's face dropped, Rei cleared her throat to get everyone's attention.

"Well," Rei began nervously, "This may not be the best time, but I have a little confession to make."

"Oh?" Usagi's mother asked suspiciously?

"Yes. You see, I'm a lesbian, and I think I've fallen in love with your daughter."

The silence in the already tension-filled room became palpable. Finally, Usagi's over-protective father spoke up.

"How old are you?" he asked pointedly.

"Fifteen, same as your daughter." she answered nervously.

"Good!" Mr. Tsukino answered with a smile, "I'm glad to hear you're not another cradle robbing pervert like that Mamo-jerk I ran out of here."

Usagi was flabbergasted, "Wha... But... But you... But... Dad, she's a **girl!**"

"And a very charming one too." Usagi's mom put in.

Mr. Tsukino addressed Rei, "You have my permission to date my daughter, provided you bring her home at a reasonable hour."

"What?" Usagi asked incredulously, "But... But..."

"Usagi-chan," Rei asked, "What are you so upset about?"

"What am I so... **WE'RE BOTH GIRLS!**"

"So? You were attracted to Haruka weren't you?"

"Well, well yeah, but I thought she was a..."

"You thought she was a boy and became attracted to her so that later, when you found out he was a she you became freaked out, right? Well, you already know I'm a girl, so there's no problem with us dating, see?"

Usagi was dumbfounded; there was a hole in Rei's logic somewhere, but she was having a hard time pinpointing it.

"Um... Okay, I guess." she said tentatively.

"Terrific!" Usagi's father said, "Tell you what; here's five thousand yen. You two crazy kids go out and have some fun."

Usagi just shook her head in shock, "I... I'm in the Twilight Zone." she mumbled.

"Don't fight it, love." Rei purred as she took the dumbstruck blonde's hand and led her out of the house.

---To Be Continued---

End Notes: Five thousand yen is comparable to fifty US dollars.


	7. Chapter 7

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

------

---Editorial---

"Ladies and gentleman," the announcer's voice said, "Once again, in the interest of fairness we offer a rebuttal to the omake series 'Mamoru Must Die'."

A rather tall and somewhat muscular person in a blue dress comes out to stand in front of a set of curtains, a hastily put on black wig sat crookedly on his head and a suspicious five o'clock shadow present.

"Hello," the obvious man in drag said in a high squeaky voice, "I'm Rei, and I want to speak out against this series 'Mamoru Must Die!' While I understand that there are some jerks... er, misguided but loveable fans out there that are fans of the Rei and Usagi pairing, killing off the handsome, brave and heroic Mamoru is just juvenile. All of you out there wanting Rei... er... me to be teamed with Usagi should be ashamed, especially when she already has such an incredibly wonderful, terrific chick magnet like Mamoru. I..."

Makoto walked out from behind the curtain, her arms crossed and an annoyed look in her eyes, "Mamoru, what in the hell are you doing?"

The guy in drag grinned nervously as he sweatdropped, "Mamoru?" he asked in the same high pitched, squeaky voice, "I don't know what you mean. I'm Rei."

Makoto narrowed her eyes, "That's funny." she said, "We just found another young lady claiming to be Rei who has a lump on her head from where she was knocked out and who was tied up and left in her actor's trailer. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you, 'Rei'?"

"Er... Well I... Hey, look over there!" he said, pointing at something behind her. Makoto turned to look, and the man in drag ran for it. She then turned back angrily.

"Mamoru, get back here!" she yelled as she gave chase.

---Omake Seven: Grand Prix---

Pit row was slowly filling up with racecars as Haruka paced back and forth nervously. Mamoru, along with Michiru, Makoto and Ami, were down on the racetrack with Haruka's pit crew as the sandy blonde's team of mechanics went over her vehicle one last time.

"Ruka, hon," Michiru said out of concern, "I've never seen you this nervous about a race before. You're practically shaking."

"I... I know." the racecar driver acknowledged, "But this isn't the junior circuit anymore. This is the big league. And the guys I'm racing, they're legends Michi-chan. Legends!"

"Well, whoever they are," Mamoru offered, "You know you have us here to offer out support."

"That's right." Ami added.

"Ditto!" Makoto put in.

Haruka smiled at her friends and fellow Senshi; she was glad to have friends like them in her corner. She then looked up into the stands and saw Minako sitting with Rei and Usagi, the three young women holding up a banner reading "Go Ruka!" on it.

Then, with the sound of the engine that was pulling up behind her, all the joy sucked out of her. She turned to look at the legendary competition she'd be facing...

------

"Come on Sparky!" Pops yelled, "The Mach Five has to be up at peak performance for Speed to win this race against the mysterious Racer X and that new racer to the circuit Tenoh Haruka who is rumored to be one of the top up and comers which means the car has to be running perfectly for Speed to win!"

"Don't Worry." Sparky answered, "I've been working on the Mach Five now for the last twenty-four hour straight boy am I sleepy but I drank plenty of coffee to keep me awake and now I know the car's up to the challenge for Speed Racer to win this race against Racer X and Tenoh Haruka."

As Racer X's car number nine pulled into pit row behind the Mach Five, a young man with dashing good looks ran over to Pops and Sparky.

"Hello Pops and Sparky I can't wait for the race to get started there sure are a lot of cars on the track today but I remember the two of you telling me that the two to watch out for were the mysterious Racer X and the new racer to the track Tenoh Haruka so it's a good thing Trixie will be up in her helicopter to help me out via radio because..."

As Speed Racer continued talking, Michiru turned away. The artist had been listening in on the conversations taking place and now looked over to Haruka, only to find her beloved looking confused, "Ruka love?"

"Hmmm?" the blond asked.

"You look puzzled about something."

"I am. I'm trying to figure something out Michi-chan."

"What?" the artist asked.

"Exactly how the hell they can talk that long without taking a breath." the blond answered.

---One Hour Later---

Haruka was making good time around the curves, swerving through the competition until there were just two racers in front of her; Speed Racer in the lead and Racer X in second place. As they neared one of the tighter curves, Haruka managed to swerve by Racer X on the bottom of the track, moving her into second place behind Speed and his Mach Five.

It was then that the trunk of the Mach Five opened to reveal its two diminutive occupants; Speed Racer's younger brother Spritle, and the boy's pet chimpanzee Chim-Chim.

Spritle was alarmed, "Oh no look Chim-Chim that new racer Haruka is gaining on speed and may end up overtaking him we have to do something to help out big brother but what can we do?"

Chim-Chim, being a chimpanzee, did what any other chimpanzee in a similar situation would've done. He put his hand behind himself, pooped, and flung the feces at the perceived threat in the car racing towards him and his human companions.

Unfortunately, the simian decided to use his disgusting act of self-defense just as Speed was passing by the judges, earning the racing legend an instant disqualification. Equally unfortunate was how easily

Haruka was able to avoid the projectile. The disgusting missile, now traveling at high speeds and being born along by the winds caused by cars traveling at close to two hundred miles an hour, ended up traveling all the way into pit row.

"Hey, what's that?" Ami asked.

"Huh?" Mamoru asked as he turned around, "What's what? I..."

**SPLAT!**

Mamoru was silenced as a chimpanzee turd traveling close to one hundred and fifty miles an hour slammed into his face. Up in the stands, Minako, Rei and Usagi looked on in horror as the now disoriented future king of Crystal Tokyo stumbled onto the track.

------

Meanwhile, in racecar number nine, Racer X was brooding as he talked to himself.

"Haruka has passed me but I cannot let her get past Speed Racer since if she did that she would then win and I'd finish third when I really need to win in order to reveal my true identity to Speed and Pops because Speed does not know that I Racer X am really Rex Racer Speed's older brother and ut-oh wait a second what's that?"

**CRASH!**

Racer X raced on, leaving behind Mamoru's twitching body. Before the paramedics could arrive, fifteen more cars left their tire treads across his body as well.

"Oh my God," Ami yelled, "They killed Mamoru!"

"You bastards!" Makoto added.

---Half an Hour Later---

The race was immediately cancelled due to Team Speed's poor sportsmanship and the tragic death of Chiba Mamoru. Since Haruka was in second place when Speed was disqualified, she was declared the winner. As the three Senshi up in the stands came down to join the others, over by the Mach Five Pops was going ballistic.

"Spritle you and that retarded monkey of yours cost Speed the championship young man that's it I'm sending your stupid ass to military school and I'm going to take that stupid chimp to the vet on Monday to get him fixed AAAAARGH!"

Michiru, who was listening in, tilted her head a bit. She then turned to her love.

"You're right." she told Haruka, "They do talk a lot without pausing to take a breath, don't they?"

Meanwhile, as Usagi looked down on Mamoru's poop-stained corpse, Rei came over and put a consoling hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Usagi, I... I'm so sorry, I..."

"No." Usagi said softly, "It's okay, really. You see, I was planning on breaking up with him anyways. I tried to love him Rei, I really did, for the future and all. But I just couldn't. I'm already in love with someone else."

Rei's heart began to flutter, "Really?" she asked, trying not to get her hopes up, "Who?"

Usagi looked away from Mamoru's now cold body to meet the Fire Senshi's eyes, "You." she said, "I love you Rei, I have for a while now. I was going to end it with Mamo-chan and ask you to... God, I don't even know if you feel the same way about me, but I... sniff sniff... Geez, what did that friggin' monkey eat? Anyways, I love you Rei, and... And if you gave me a chance, I..."

Rei cut her off as she rushed forward to embrace the blond, their lips meeting as they clung to one another. Finally separating, they joined hands and walked off the track as the first aid station rushed over to help the sudden rash of nosebleeds in Team Speed's area of pit row caused by the sight of two girls getting romantic.

---To Be Continued---


	8. Chapter 8

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

------

---Omake Eight: Karaoke Night---

(a songfic spoof)

Rei was shaking inside as she and her fellow Senshi neared the restaurant where the karaoke machines were. She'd decided that, come hell or high water, tonight would be the night she finally told Usagi how she felt. She was normally one of the bravest and most outspoken of the Inners, but the thought of scaring Usagi away by saying the wrong thing terrified her.

She was therefore nervous, and thought it best if she had someone around to support her when the big moment came. Also, since she had a good singing voice, she decided she would dedicate a song to her, and pray that the blond girl who stole her heart would understand what she was trying to say. Even if in the end Usagi stayed with Mamoru, at least she'd have finally have told the blond her true feelings.

She'd only opened up about her sexual orientation, and her crush on Usagi, to Minako, Haruka and Michiru. Haruka and Michiru supported her immediately of course; it wasn't that they had anything against Mamoru of course, but Rei just seemed to them to be a better match for their princess. It was Mina-chan, the Senshi of Love, who suggested not only singing her feelings to Usagi, but which song to sing. It was a song the blond copied off the internet for her and written by a gaijin named Lionel Richie. The first time she read the lyrics, Rei wept; it seemed like they were written for her.

_"I've been alone with you_

_Inside my mind_

_And in my dreams I've kissed your lips_

_A thousand times_

_I sometimes see you_

_Pass outside my door_

_Hello!_

_Is it me you're looking for?"_

Going in with Rei were Usagi of course (who had no idea what the Fire Senshi had planned), Haruka and Michiru, Ami, Makoto, Minako and, unfortunately, Mamoru. Rei didn't care though; whether Mamoru liked it or not she was going to reveal to Usagi her true feelings. After they were shown their semi-private table at the restaurant near the lobster tank and small karaoke machine, Usagi was the first to get up to use the machine, singing an off-key song about moonlight and midnight. Next was Mina-chan singing some song from an anime. Finally it was Rei's turn. She turned to look at Haruka and Michiru, who both gave her a thumbs up. They were such a beautiful couple; Rei couldn't help but hope that she and Usagi-chan could share the same type of closeness. She got up as Mina-chan pushed the button for the song.

"Thank you." she began nervously, trying not to hyperventilate, "I... Um... I'm dedicating this song to someone very special to me, um... Usagi-chan, this... this song is for you." she said, blushing uncharacteristically at the end of the tribute. As Usagi looked on pleasantly surprised to find a song dedicated to her, the music began.

The **WRONG** music.

"Oh no." Minako groaned as she realized she pushed the wrong button. As the lyrics began to appear on the teleprompter, Rei's jaw dropped. But as the music got louder and the spotlight fell upon her, she realized it was too late to back out of this fiasco now. Her face turned beet red as she began to sing.

_"You need my love baby, oh so bad_

_You're not the only one I've ever had_

_And if I say I wanna set you free_

_Don't you know you'll live in misery_

_They call me (Dr. Love)_

_They call me Dr. Love (calling Dr. Love)_

_I've got the cure you're thinkin' of (calling Dr. Love)"_

Rei's hands were sweating and she felt her stomach sinking as she continued singing the incredibly lewd song, all the while plotting how she was going to kill Mina-chan.

_"...So if you please, get on your knees_

_There are no bills, there are no fees..."_

Minako sweatdropped as Michiru gave the blond a dirty look. Haruka meanwhile was fighting the urge to snicker at the complete absurdity of Rei singing the KISS song "Dr. Love." Finally, after five of the longest moments of Rei's life, the music ended.

As the spotlight faded and the lights came back on, Rei could see Ami, Makoto and Mamoru staring at her in shock. She felt terrible, certain that Usagi-chan would be turned off completely by her little show. As she continued to plot all the ways she'd make Mina's life a living hell for this disaster, she walked over to Usagi with her head hung low.

"U... Usagi-chan." she began as she fought back the tears, "I... I'm so sorry, I..." she stopped when she saw Usagi staring at her through half closed eyes, a smile teasing her lips.

"Usagi-chan?" Rei asked nervously. Her princess and fellow Senshi didn't answer as she slowly licked her lips while staring intensely at the young woman.

"Usagi, I..." she was cut off as a sound resembling a panther's growl escaped Usagi-chan's lips. Before Rei knew what was happening, Usagi had grabbed her and pulled her forcefully over to her.

"Usagi-chan!" Rei shouted as her friend wrapped her arms around her, "What..."

"Yes!" Usagi cried out, "Oh Kami-sama yes! Rei-chan, I want you, I need you! Dominate me, hurt me, ravage me! You be the doctor, I'll be the patient!"

"**What**?" Rei asked, not believing her ears.

"Usagi!" Mamoru now put in, "What the hell..."

"I've been engaged to Mr. Celibacy-Before-Marriage over there since '97!" Usagi said, a certain desperation showing in her voice, "Nine long years! I have needs too, damn it!"

"Usagi-chan," Rei began, "I..."

"**I NEED SEXUAL HEALING!**" Usagi-chan yelled out as she pulled Rei on top of her and fell backward into the dining booth, pressing her lips to the stunned young woman.

Michiru and Haruka looked at the pair, then at each other, then at the pair again.

"Well," Michiru said as Rei waved her arms wildly in the air while the sexually frustrated blond under her held steadfastly onto her, "I didn't see _that_ coming."

Minako, still by the karaoke machine, smiled, "Uh... Yeah, it's a good thing I acci... er… _decided_ to use that other song. I knew it

would..."

"What?" Haruka asked as Rei pushed herself up off of Usagi to gasp in some air before being yanked back down again, "You didn't know anything. That was a mistake and you know it."

"Usagi!" Mamoru screamed, not believing his eyes, "Rei! Guys! Hey, I'm talking here, damn it! I... I... Uh, er..."

As Ami and Makoto looked on still in shock, Mamoru suddenly spouted a nose bleed at the sight of Usagi wrapping her legs around Rei, who by this time had stopped struggling and had begun to join in.

"Mamo-kun!" Ami shouted as she came over with a handkerchief to help Mamoru with his bloody nose, "Hold on, I'll..." Unfortunately, on her way over to her friend, she tripped over Rei and Usagi's legs which were sticking out of the booth and knocked into Mamoru, causing him to fall.

Into the lobster tank.

"AAAAA!" he screamed as he came up with half a dozen of the ill-tempered crustaceans clutching painfully onto his face with their claws. Pulling one of the lobsters he threw it angrily to the ground at his feet. Sadly, the lobster proceeded to crawl underneath the young man's foot, causing him to loose balance. In desperation, with the lobsters still clutching painfully to his face he grabbed blindly for the nearest object he could find in the hopes of not falling back in the lobster tank.

Unfortunately, it didn't work.

Equally unfortunate was the fact that Mamoru had in fact grabbed onto the microphone stand with the mike still attached.

**ZAP!**

As steam began to rise from the lobster tank, a waiter showed up.

"I'm terribly sorry it took me so long to come to this booth to take your orders but **HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?**"

A frightened hush fell over the room (except for where Rei and Usagi were, of course). Minako, Haruka, Michiru and Makoto all exchanged worried glances. Luckily, the brains of the Sailor Senshi, Ami, spoke up.

"Thank God you came!" she bluffed, "We have a medical emergency here! That poor blond over there is having a heart attack! Luckily Rei, an off-duty nurse, was here to give her mouth-to-mouth, but when this poor soul over here tried to make a heart defibulator with a microphone and a lobster tank like he saw done in a MacGuyver episode, he ended up electrocuting himself!"

The waiter looked at Ami for a few seconds, then nodded, "Right, what can I do to help?"

"It's too late to save poor Mamoru, but Nurse Rei still has a chance to save our friend Usagi-chan, provided she's uninterrupted for at least fifteen minutes."

"I see, I... Wait a minute," the waiter said suspiciously, "That doesn't look like any CPR I'm familiar with."

Ami looked over to her two friends going at it and sweatdropped.

"Er... Uh... That's deep heart compression she's delivering to the young lady's chest. Yeah, that's it, deep heart compression."

"Oh, of course. I'll make sure Nurse Rei is left alone. Meanwhile I'll contact the undertaker for the young man." The waiter said as he ran out of the room. Ami smiled.

"Dumbass." she quipped.

"Ami," Michiru said, visibly impressed, "You saved the day!"

"Well," Ami said as she blushed adorably, "I..."

"Of course she did." Makoto spoke up, "That's one of the things I love about her, I... Oh crap, did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes, you did." Ami said, "And I'm glad you did. I... I love you too."

"Ami!"

"Makoto!"

The two exchanged a tender kiss. Meanwhile, Rei and Usagi...

"Psst." Minako said.

Ahem, like I said, meanwhile Rei and...

"Psst." Minako said, interrupting again, "Hey, narrator, psst."

Mina chan, what in the hell are you doing? You're not allowed to break the fourth wall! And anyways, I was just about to tell the audience what Rei-chan and Usagi were up to.

"I know, but unless you want this to be turned into a lemon and get all of us kicked upstairs into the adult fanfiction section of this site, I... Hey, keep it down over there! Anyways, you might be better off leaving the rest up to the reader's imagination."

Hmm...

Good point.

Anyways, Rei ended up with Usagi, Ami ended up with Makoto, Haruka stayed with Michiru, Mamoru ended up in the morgue, and Minako ended up saving the story from fanfiction board complaints.

"Hurray for me!" the cheerful blond exclaimed.

---To Be Continued---


	9. Chapter 9

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

------

Author's Note: This omake is dedicated to Mr. Toasty, who challenged me to write an omake using exactly one hundred words- no more, no less. The omake is in verse form. Enjoy.

------

The Senshi fought a youma of great mass,

It killed Mamoru before they could defeat it, stomping a mudhole in his ass.

---

"Boo hoo." Usagi cried, "Mamoru's dead,

Now who'll buy me sweets and pleasure me in bed?"

---

"Don't cry," Rei said, "I'll buy you candy,

And as for bed, I know some tricks you'll find dandy."

---

"Holy crap!" Usagi shrieked, "Rei's a lesbian!"

She couldn't hide her shock (she's not that good a thesbian).

---

Never having thought of girls romantically before, she wasn't sure what to do,

But after one night with Rei, she forgot all about baka Mamoru!

------

---To Be Continued---


	10. Chapter 10

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

---Editorial---

"Ladies and gentleman," the announcer's voice said, "Yet again, in the interest of fairness, we offer a rebuttal to the omake series 'Mamoru Must Die'."

Standing in front of a hanging cloth background are Setsuna and Chibi Usa, neither of whom look very happy.

"Hello ladies and gentleman," the Time Senshi began, "We're here today to complain about our screen time in this omake fanfiction series."

"That's right!" Chibi Usa said, "We've had hardly any presence whatsoever in these stories, and I know I speak for not only Puu here but Hotaru as well when I say that... Hey, wait a minute, where is Hotaru?"

Setsuna looked around, visibly irritated, "I don't know, I thought she was with you, I..." her voice drifted off as Hotaru suddenly appeared in front of her and Chibi Usa, thus taking up most of the screen.

"Hello everyone, especially _you_ out there Mr. Author." she said with a smile, "I'd just like to say that I had no foreknowledge of this protest by my fellow actresses..."

"Huh?" Chibi Usa asked in shock.

"And that I can totally understand the decision not to include the two of them in more stories." Hotaru said as she gestured back at Setsuna and Chibi Usa with her thumb, "I mean, plenty of people can't stand Chibi Usa (fourth season anyone?), and as for Setsuna mama... well, let's just say the crows feet around her eyes is ample evidence of here not getting any younger."

"Why you little..." Setsuna growled.

"Myself, on the other hand, I'm slopping over with talent." the Senshi of Death continued, "I also have a large fan base, and am way more talented than the two has-beens behind me. To prove it, and in the spirit of the poetry of the last omake, I offer up a haiku I made."

_"Mamoru had died_

_Usagi then dated Rei_

_She liked it better"_

"Why you mercenary little bitch!" Chibi Usa shrieked.

"Do you two mind?" Hotaru asked, "Unlike you two whiners, I'm trying to do something to salvage my career." She then turned back to the audience, putting her fake smile back on, "So being men and women of good taste, you'll no doubt want to tell the author you want to see lots more of me in this series, and a lot less of two other hacks who shall remain nameless but were given undue screen time during the original anime's run (cough-Super S-cough).

Setsuna, scowling at the young Senshi of Death, now came slowly and deliberately up to her, "I see." she said in a dangerously low tone, "Well, I have a little haiku for you young lady."

_"Hotaru's a jerk_

_I disinherited her_

_She can go to hell"_

Hotaru now was the one scowling angrily. She turned to Chibi Usa, "I suppose you have something to add?"

Chibi Usa nodded.

_"My friend is a creep_

_She only thinks of herself_

_I'll get even though"_

"Oh, is that so!" Hotaru shrieked, "Well, I..."

"Hey!" Artemis yelled as he ran out with Luna, "I don't see where you three get off complaining about screen time. This is my first appearance in this series, and Luna's only had one line in the thing so far."

Chibi Usa narrowed her eyes as she looked at the two cats.

_"Artemis, Luna_

_They'd better stay out of this_

_Or they will be fixed"_

The two cats quickly slinked away with their tails tucked between their legs as Chibi Usa turned back to her ex-friend.

"You big jerk!" she yelled, "The three of us were supposed to stand together for our rights!"

"Keep it up you little pink spore and I'll give you some rights!" Hotaru yelled back, "Not to mention some lefts while I'm at it!"

"You know," Setsuna yelled, "If Usagi had just let me and the others deal with you like we wanted to in the S series, you wouldn't be so smart mouthed right now!"

"Oh really?" Hotaru asked as she narrowed her eyes angrily, "Well, I just happen to have one more haiku for you both."

_"They are both jealous_

_Chibi Usa, Setsuna_

_They both have fat thighs"_

"WHAT?" Setsuna and Chibi Usa both screamed in unison as veins popped out of their heads and their faces turned red with anger. Chibi Usa kicked Hotaru in the shin, causing the Senshi of Death to hop around on one leg as she painfully clutched the other in her hands. When she finally stopped, she took two fingers and poked the pink haired girl in the eyes. She then went over to her Setsuna-mama, who had been laughing at her hopping around, and proceeded to stomp on her right foot.

"My eyes!" Chibi Usa shrieked, "Ow, my eyes!"

"My foot!" Setsuna cried out as she now started hopping around on one foot herself. Hotaru angrily stomped off as Chibi Usa, still blinded by the eyepoke, swung out blindly. She missed the Senshi of death, but did manage to get the hopping Time Senshi in the gut, knocking the wind out of her.

"Ladies and gentleman," the announcer stated over the bickering in the background, "This has been an editorial. We now return you to your regularly scheduled omake."

------

---Omake Ten: Bouquet---

The day had finally come; it was Haruka and Michiru's wedding day.

The church was packed with Haruka's pit crew and Formula-1 sponsors, as well as Michiru's friends in music and the arts. Yo Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman, upon hearing that their fellow violinist was getting married, both immediately volunteered to play the music for the wedding march.

At first, finding a minister liberal enough to marry a lesbian couple had been a problem. Finally, after an exhaustive search, they found a minister in America who moonlighted as a taxi-cab driver who was more than willing to marry the pair.

As Reverend Jim Ignatowski declared Haruka and Michiru to be wife and wife, the two kissed in front of the alter. Mamoru, forced to sit near the back of the church because of arriving late, was one of the first to exit. As the large group of men and women exited the church and started gathering outside on the lawn, Haruka and Michiru appeared on the church steps to thunderous applause.

Michiru turned her back to the guests with a smile as she threw the bridal bouquet over her shoulder. Mamoru immediately noticed two things; first, the bouquet was falling in his direction.

Second, that a sound like thunder, or the beating of hundreds of horses hoofs, was coming toward him. He turned just in time to see hundreds of crazed-looking women, desperate to get married, running straight at him.

"It's mine!" one woman shouted.

"No way, bitch!" another screamed, "I saw it first!"

The last thing Mamoru saw in this world was a very large woman rushing at him like an NFL tackler in her desperate attempt to reach the bouquet first.

As the dust finally settled, Usagi went over sorrowfully to her now squashed boyfriend, footmarks covering his stomped body.

Rei walked over, putting a consoling hand on Usagi's back, "I'm so

sorry." she said, "Are you going to be alright?"

Usagi wiped her eyes, "Yeah," she sniffed, "Yeah, I think so. Thank you for checking up on me."

Rei smiled sadly, "Well, you know I'd do anything for you." she said.

Usagi looked at the Fire Senshi, "You would, wouldn't you." she said, not as a question but as a statement, "You've always been there for me, always willing to sacrifice yourself for me." she came closer to her friend and fellow Senshi, "You... You love me, don't you?"

Rei's eyes widened, "Well, of course." she stammered, "We all love you as our friend and princess, but..."

Usagi shook her head, "That's not what I mean and you know it."

Rei closed her eyes and nodded, "Yes." she admitted, "I love you."

Usagi smiled as she held out her hand. "Come." she said as the undertakers arrived for the squashed body of her ex, "Let's go talk about it over a sundae at the crown."

Rei took her hand, smiling as they walked by the guys picking up Mamoru's corpse, "Usagi," she said with a laugh, "Your boyfriend got killed, and you just found out I have feelings for you and you may have feelings for me. Only you could think of food at a time like this."

-To Be Continued-


	11. Chapter 11

-Mamoru Must Die!-

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

---Omake Eleven: The Marx Sisters---

On the second story of a corner high-rise, the door to Dr. Chiba Mamoru's office burst open as a woman with long black hair came in wearing a black jacket with tails. She was bent over slightly when she walked, and sported a fake mustache drawn on with black grease paint. Following her was a young woman with short sandy blond hair wearing a ridiculous looking hat that came to a point, and a plain black jacket. A third member of the group soon joined them; a blond with a goofy grin wearing a beat-up top hat and an oversized rain coat that reached down to her ankles. In her hand she held a cane with a bicycle horn at the top of it. The sandy blond turned to the raven haired woman with the fake mustache.

"Heya boss," Haruka began, "I canna unnastands you inna da role of Groucho, an' Mina-chan there as Harpo, but why do I gotta da be Chico?"

"Because you play the piano and you're the best at faking an Italian accent." Rei quipped. She looked over at Minako, "Hey Mina-chan, what are you up to over there?"

Minako's face lit up as she reached into her pocked and pulled out a tape measure. She then held onto one end as she let the other end drop to the floor. Haruka went over and looked at the end her fellow blond was still holding onto.

"It looksa like she's uppa to five foot four." Haruka said. Rei gave the two a look.

"Five-four, eh?" she asked, "Well wait until she gets up to five-five and then sell."

At that point the receptionist came out, her luxuriantly wavy aqua hair pulled up loosely into a bun behind her. In spite of her nurse's uniform, she had a certain air of refined elegance about her.

"Hino Rei-san?" she announced, "The doctor will see you n..."

"Helloooooooo nurse!" Hauka called out as she and Minako raced over. Rei smirked as she walked by.

"What do you two think you're doing?" the nurse asked incredulously as the two surrounded her.

"From the looks of it, tag teaming." Rei quipped. "Only one of you in the ring at a time; the other waits over by the magazine rack until tagged in or I come back, whichever comes first." With that, she left the hapless receptionist and showed herself through the door.

Walking down the corridor, Rei came up to a door with a sign reading "Chiba Mamoru, Dr." She turned to the audience, raising her eyebrows with a malicious smile teasing her lips, and then turned back to the door and went in.

She noticed when she shut the door that there was a window opened out to the street on the wall adjacent. A man in a white uniform turned around and smiled pleasantly.

"Hello," he said, "May I help you?"

"I'm here to see the doctor."

"Are you sick?"

"Are you the doctor?"

"Yes, I'm the doctor."

"Then I think I'm going to be sick." she answered.

------

"What exactly is the matter with your friend?" the receptionist asked.

"Ah, don'ta worry about her. She'sa not all there inna da head. Hey Mina-chan, be nice and shakea da nice lady's hand."

The receptionist rather reluctantly reached out to shake hands with Minako.

**HONK!**

The receptionist jumped as Minako handed her the honker on her horn instead of her hand.

"Hey, what'sa matta for you?" Haruka said angrily, "Don't you knowa how to treata da lady?"

Minako smiled goofily as she nodded her head. She then proceeded to lift her right leg and put it in the receptionist's left hand.

"What th..." the aqua-haired beauty stuttered out as she swatted Minako's leg away.

"Hey I'mma da sorry about Minako here. She getsa that way arounda da cute girls."

The receptionist blushed in spite of herself. "Thank you." she said. "You know," she began rather hesitantly, "I think you're kind of cute yourself. My name's nurse Kaioh Michiru."

"Wella Michiru, I..." Haruka stopped when she realized she was now holding onto Mina's leg herself, "Geta outta here!" she said angrily as she swatted her fellow blonde's leg away.

------

Dr. Chiba frowned, "Exactly what did you want to see me about, young lady?"

"I don't know, I'm guessing about half an hour." Rei answered. "You see doc, my new job requires me to take a physical, and the HMO I'm part of gave me only three choices in doctors; Dr. Who, Dr. Seus, and you. And unfortunately I ended up with you."

"Well, I... Wait a minute." Mamoru said suspiciously, "Since when has Japan offered HMOs?"

"Tell ya what doc; you don't ask about Japanese HMOs, and I won't ask about where everyone's henshin sticks are kept when not in use."

Before Dr. Chiba could respond, a nurse came in with a medical report. She had long blond hair pulled up into odangos, and as she walked in the door once again obscured the side window out to the streets below. She handed the report over to the doctor who turned away from her to read its contents.

Rei smiled broadly as she caught sight of the beautiful blond. As bland muzac began playing over the intercom, the raven-haired woman stalked over to the nurse.

"Excuse me nurse," she said, "But do you rumba?"

The blond smiled a bit, "Why yes, I do."

"Good, then pick a rumba from one to ten."

The nurse gave Rei a puzzled look, not sure what to say. Before she had a chance to form a response, the dark haired young woman took her in her arms and started dancing her around the room.

Mamoru turned around at that point, "Usagi-chan... er... Nurse Tsukino!" the doctor yelled, "What do you think you're doing?"

"At the moment she's dancing." Rei quipped. Dr. Chiba grew angry.

"Look here!" he snarled, "I'm not about to stand here and watch you romance my fiancée!"

"No problem; turn around and we'll do it behind your back." Rei answered.

Dr. Chiba stalked over, his face now red with rage as he forcibly separated the two women. "You!" he shouted at nurse Tsukino, "Go get me the files on little Miyuki! And you!" he yelled at Rei as Usagi quickly ran out of the room, shutting the door behind her and once again exposing the open window to the room, "Get up on that examination table **NOW!**"

As Rei complied, Mamoru grabbed a stethoscope off the counter and came towards her.

"Now then," he snarled exasperatedly, "I need you to take your clothes off and..."

"What?" Rei asked in shock, "No first date? No flowers? No candy? No prenup? No..."

"For the examination!" Dr. Chiba yelled out, "I need you to... What the...?" a sound coming from outside attracted the doctor's attention. Going to the window, he looked out to see a group of men hooking up the front of his vehicle to a tow truck, which then began lifting the front end.

"No!" the doctor shouted. Rei came over.

"Say doc, what seems to be the problem?"

"Some idiot in a red car rear ended my vehicle, pushing it so that it ended up next to a fire hydrant. They're towing my car!"

"A red car you say?" Rei asked, "It wouldn't happen to be a _Toyota_, would it?"

"Yes, it is, I... How did you know that?" Mamoru asked angrily.

"Oh, I don't know." The raven haired woman answered, "Just a lucky

guess." she said as she slowly walked away while whistling.

A large vein popped out of Mamoru's head, "Why you dirty..." Before he could finish however, nurse Tsukino burst back in with the file he wanted. Unfortunately, the door knocked into Mamoru, pushing him out the window.

"**AAAAAAAA!**"

Usagi looked horrified, "What happened?" she cried, "My god, what just happened?"

"From the looks of things, a perfectly executed swan dive." Rei answered.

------

"Oh, so dat'sa it, eh?" Haruka asked angrily, "Trying ta ruina my chances wit da nurse, huh?"

Minako's response to Haruka's accusation was to reach into the pocket of her raincoat and pull out a pair of scissors. She grabbed Ruka's tie, and before the sandy blond could stop her she cut the tie in half.

"Stop it you two!" the razzled nurse Kaioh ordered to no avail.

"Dat'sa it!" Haruka shouted as both she and Minako took fighting stances. Haruka swung out wildly with her right fist. Minako ducked the blow, coming around with a side kick to Haruka's rear end. Before the fight could go any further, Usagi burst into the waiting room from the back.

"Nurse Tsukino?" Michiru asked, "What..."

"It's Mamo-chan... er... Dr. Chiba! He fell out the window!"

"What?" Michiru asked in shock. Usagi ran across the room to the door with Rei following close behind her, obviously more concerned about the view she was getting of the nurse's backside than any of the doctor's possible injuries. Michiru ran after the two of them, and Haruka ran after Michiru. Before Haruka could reach the door however, Minako jumped onto her back, using her cane like a rider's crop as she spurred the tomboy forward.

They ran down the stairs and out side the building to Dr. Chiba's body as fast as they could.

Unfortunately, the steamroller got to him first.

Rei looked at her wristwatch as she grabbed what was left of Mamoru's wrist, "Well," she pronounced, "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

Usagi started to cry, "No!" she wept, "Isn't there any hope?"

Rei looked up at her, "Wouldn't happen to have a lobster tank and a microphone handy would you?"

"What?" the nurse asked, "Well no, but..."

"Then I'm afraid there's no hope."

Usagi began to cry uncontrollably at that. Rei put a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't cry." she said, "Tell you what, how would you like to go out to dinner?"

"Mamo-chan. My Mamo... _food?_" Usagi asked, her face brightening. Rei smiled as she took her arm.

"Come with me, babe." she said, "I know a place that serves great duck soup."

"Heya boss," Haruka said as she took Michiru's hand, "We'rea commin' too. Well makea it da doublea date."

As the four women headed for Rei's red Toyota, Minako reached into her coat pockets with both hands, pulling out handfuls of rose petals to throw at the two couples.

---To Be Continued---

End Notes: Dedicated to EfrainMan for the defenestration idea, and my

friend Adam for suggesting the car being towed as a reason Mamoru would

look out the window.


	12. Chapter 12

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--Omake Twelve: Kablooey!--

King Endymion was miserable.

Yes, he was the king of Crystal Tokyo, but being a king didn't count for a whole hell of a lot when you live in a matriarchy. Neo Queen Serenity was the one who wore the pants in the family, and everyone knew it. Not only could she defeat the likes of Galaxia and Beryl, but with the centuries her powers and beauty only increased.

King Endymion? He could throw flowers.

His greatest claim to fame among the Court was that he once defeated a youma by delivering an introductory lecture to it on why it was wrong to attack a Bar Mitzvah that was so boring, and so bland, that the youma took the knife out of the young boy's congratulatory cake and took its own life rather than listen to him anymore. Rabbi Abramowitz and his thirteen year old son would surely have thanked him for saving the Jewish celebration, but they and the rest of the guests had fallen asleep halfway through his speech.

It didn't help matters any that the king was constantly sticking his foot in his mouth.

There was the time when, giving a speech to a group of foreign ambassadors from the Middle East, he told them that they were of vital importance to both the future of Crystal Tokyo and all of mankind because the Middle East kept the Near East and the Far East safely separated. Then there was the time a reporter asked him, as King, how he planned to help certain poorer families who were slipping through the cracks. His suggestion of having men fill in the cracks with cement to prevent further injuries to poorer subjects didn't go well at all.

Then, there was his relationship with his wife. For years now, even before the birth of Chibi Usa, it felt as if she were just going through the motions with him. She hadn't loved him in a long time, and he knew it. She wanted something, and whatever it was he clearly wasn't fitting the bill. He could see it in her eyes; she yearned for something else, but what? He only wish he knew what was wrong.

Feeling depressed, he left his royal palace to go to the next official function; a photo op at the International Children's Science Fair.

--

Mina-chan went into the large shrine to see her friend and the Kingdom's High Priestess, Rei. With her she brought her trusted advisor Artemis.

"It's about time I had a part in this fanfic." the cat mumbled.

"What?" Mina asked.

"Oh nothing." Artemis said. "Mina, I know you're trying to cheer her up, but don't you think the 'Team Rei' T-shirt is a bit much?"

"Well, I..." she stopped when she heard something a bit disquieting. Artemis' ears shot up as he too now heard it. As they got closer, they both realized it was the sound of someone crying. Silently the two snuck up to the room and looked in.

There, kneeling before the shrine as she wept was Rei, a photo of Neo Queen Serenity on the altar.

"Rei." Mina said as she knelt down by the High Priestess, "Rei, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I... I can't do it anymore..." she sobbed, "All these long centuries, year after year, pretending all I felt for her was friendship, when I... I..."

"Shhh..." Mina whispered as she hugged her friend, "I know how you feel about the Queen. Heck, **all** of us know about it (you're not all that good at hiding it, you know). But there's no way anything could ever come of it, Rei. She's married, remember? I mean, granted, King Endymion makes Dan Quayle look like Albert Einstein, but he is still the King and still..."

"I... I know." Rei whispered as she wiped her eyes. Looking down at her wristwatch, she allowed a small gasp to escape.

"Rei, what's wrong?" Mina asked.

"Look at the time." she said, "We and the rest of the Royals have to make an appearance at the Children's Science Fair. You know how much the children look forward to seeing us there each year."

Mina looked at her own watch and nodded, "Right." she said, "Come on, I'll give you a ride."

--At the Science Fair--

The science fair was packed with children from around the world, each displaying their own little projects to the judges. Ami was of course the host, as she had been for the past three hundred years. By her side stood Makoto, and as the two made their appearance the entire room broke out into fervent cheering for the two royals. The two had come out centuries earlier, and were among the best loved royal couples in Crystal Tokyo. Next entered Minako with Artemis and Rei. Again there was fervent cheering, but while the love of the subjects did cause Rei to crack a grateful smile, it couldn't lift the shadow of sadness over her heart.

Then, to the sounds of trumpets, she entered; Neo Queen Serenity, with Chibi Usa by her side. The building practically shook to the deafening noise of clapping and screams of the crowd. Rei saw her Queen and froze; the Queen seemed to be almost as sad as she was. Neo Serenity turned her head to look at the Priestess, and in that moment Rei saw all the longing and loneliness she herself felt mirrored in her Queen's eyes.

As the thunderous applause finally subsided, Endymion came in. After a few seconds of silence, the sound of crickets chirping could be heard from outside the event center.

"Huh," the King said as he tugged on his tie, "No respect, no respect at all."

--

"And this is young Sara with her model volcano." one of the teachers present said. The young girl's eyes lit up with glee at seeing Neo Serenity up close like this. As the Queen noticed the child staring wide eyed at her wings, she smiled.

"Would you like to touch one of them?" the Queen asked. The child nodded as she reached out an enthusiastic hand to feel the soft white feathers of the Queen's right wing.

Endymion frowned; the kid had gotten farther with his wife inside of thirty seconds of meeting her than he'd been able to get with her in the past three weeks. He was bored of the event and annoyed by the fact that, not only was everyone paying more attention to his wife than to him, but no one was willing to explain to him why Mina-chan was wearing a T-shirt to the event that said 'Team Rei.' As he was looking around absently, his eyes widened as he saw an exciting-looking exhibit on the other side of the event center.

"Wow!" Endymion said with a smile as he came over to look closer, "A rocket-powered back pack!"

"Yes King Endymion-sama." the proud young boy with the glasses said as Rei came over, "It took a while to perfect the thrust mechanism, but..."

"**ACME?!**" Rei asked in alarm as she saw the manufacturer's label on one of the parts of the rocket, "I've heard of those guys. Isn't that the American company under investigation for using dangerous explosives in most of their products and... Endymion, wha... What are you doing?" the Priestess asked as the King began strapping the rocket onto his back.

"Relax." Endymion said, "I'm bored, and it looks like fun. Besides, it perfectly safe, right young man?"

"Well," the boy began, "Actually, I..."

"Wonderful." Endymion said without listening as he finished mounting it onto his back, "Now look Rei, I'm just going to take a quick spin around the convention center and back."

"My King," Rei said pensively, "I wouldn't..."

"Watch this." Endymion said as he flicked a switch at the side of the rocket. He stuck both hands out in front of him like Superman as the rocket began to rumble, expecting to fly safely around the Science Fair.

Instead, the rocket launched him straight up, breaking the sound barrier as it crashed the King through the glass skylight and exploded nine seconds later once it reached ten thousand feet.

The Queen, as well as the other royals, rushed over to the stunned Priestess and the young boy whose science project had just blown up the King.

"What in the hell just happened?" Makoto asked.

"Well," the young boy with the glasses said nervously, "You see..."

"It was an accident." Rei said as she came to the aid of the small boy, "The King strapped a rocket pack to his back, and..."

"I see." The Queen said somberly. She turned from the High Priestess of the Kingdom to address her subjects, "My people," she began, "King Endymion is dead. With you, I share in your sorrow at the death of the King. And, I'm sure you will all understand me when I say he will be missed."

Chibi Usa turned to Luna, "Is she kidding?" the pink-haired youngster asked. Luna's response was to snicker.

"However, there is one silver lining to this tragedy." The Queen continued, "For several years now, centuries even, I've been in love with another. However, the protocols of Court demanded I stay with the King, since a Royal divorce was unthinkable. Now that he is dead, however, I do hereby publicly proclaim before the entire Kingdom my love for the High Priestess Hino Rei."

Rei's jaw dropped, "M... My Queen!" she stuttered out, "Have you taken leave of your senses? The subjects would never accept..." her voice was drowned out suddenly by loud cheering from all the subjects. Rei was taken aback as she looked out at the overjoyed faces of the subjects of Crystal Tokyo present.

"You... You're all _happy _about this?" Rei asked. She'd been so forlorn for so long that she still couldn't believe that all her dreams were suddenly coming true.

"I told you!" Minako shouted from the midst of the crowd, "All of us know how you feel about Neo Queen Serenity."

"You're not that good at hiding it." one of the students in attendance said. The others in the auditorium nodded in agreement to the statement. Rei turned to Neo Serenity as tears of joy started to form in her eyes.

"S... Serenity... I..." she was cut off as her Queen took her into her arms and kissed her passionately before the assembly, all of who applauded their approval. As they separated, Neo Serenity smiled upon her friend, fellow Senshi, and now lover.

"Rei-chan," she cooed, "Wait here my beloved. I have something to do. I'll only be but a moment." With that she went back over to the boy with the glasses whose project had blown up Endymion and pulled him into a back room. Alone with him in the room, the Queen smiled broadly.

"Good work Bernie." she said to the dwarf in the boy's school uniform and glasses, "Here's the money I promised you for making it look like an accident."

"Sure t'ing yer Highness." the diminutive hit man said with a smile, "I hopes you an' da other lady are real happy t'gether." he said as he snuck out of the building, never to be seen again.

Neo Queen Serenity watched as the door the fake student exited out of closed behind him. She then looked out at the audience, smiling as she gave a knowing wink before going back out to Rei to begin their new life together.

-To Be Continued-


	13. Chapter 13

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--Editorial--

"Ladies and gentleman," the announcer's voice said, "Once again, it pains us to offer yet another rebuttal to the omake series 'Mamoru Must Die.'"

As the usual plain curtain backdrop comes into view, Kaioh Michiru and Mizuno Ami come out to address the viewers.

"Good evening everyone." Ami says, "Today, Michi-chan and myself wish to protest, in the strongest possible terms, the complete and total lack of any educational or cultural value whatsoever in the series 'Mamoru Must Die.'" This being a fanfic of a shoujo anime whose original audience was ten and twelve year old girls, we both feel that it ill behooves the reading public to read this... this... pulp, which is totally lacking in anything even remotely capable of nourishing young minds."

"Agreed." Michiru said with a nod, "And besides the lack of anything even remotely instructive to the youth of today, there is also a complete absence of cultural or artistic richness to this tripe. As an artist and as a musician, I find this lack of enlightenment to be..."

From off stage, Makoto and Chibi Usa come out.

"Ladies," Mako-chan begins, "I realize why you're out here, and I can sympathize, really. But you're putting our audience to sleep!"

"Hey..." Chibi Usa said angrily, "This ain't chapter thirty of the Mazinger-Z fanfic I was reading. How'd I end up back in this crap?"

"You see!" Ami shrieked as she pointed at the pink-haired little girl, "If little Chibi Usa there were reading quality, educational fair, she'd know 'ain't' isn't a word."

"And of all the garbage to be filling your diminutive mind with. Mazinger-Z?" Michiru asked horrified, "I mean, granted, Go Nagai came out with that before he decided that all his heroines had to have jiggling breasts and look like Dolly Parton in zero gravity, but..."

"Look," Makoto purred as she rubbed up next to Ami, "If you knock it off now, and let this story get under way, I'll make it worth your while."

"Huh?" Ami asked, "What do you mean by that?"

Mako-chan smiled as she leaned over and whispered something into Ami's ear. Michiru leaned over suspiciously to try to catch what was being said.

Ami suddenly blushed beet red, "A... A... A Mizuno-fudge sundae?" she asked, her right eye twitching. In answer to her question, Mako-chan pulled out a can of whipped cream and placed a bit on her index finger. She then began to slowly lick it off, making low moaning noises as she did so.

Ami began to drool a bit as a small trickle of blood showed itself coming out her nose.

Michiru quickly stepped in, "Oh no you don't!" she shouted, "I'm not about to let the cause of learning and an appreciation of the arts fall victim to a floozy like you, especially when **I'm** better at seducing women than you'll ever be!"

"What?" Mako asked incredulously as Michiru pulled Ami away from her and wrapped her own arms around the young genius.

"Ami-chan" Michiru cooed as she stroked Ami's chin, "Rather than having a rather messy quickie with Mako over there (and then trying to clean fudge out of your bed linens), why not join me and Ruka for something a bit more... epicurean?" she said just before whispering into Ami's ear. The cute little genius blushed even worse than before as a goofy-looking grin appeared on her face. Suddenly her smile disappeared however, and a look of puzzlement took over.

"Seventy-one?" she asked, "What's a seventy-one?"

Michiru smiled seductively as she ran her fingers through Ami's hair, "It's like a sixty-nine," she explained, "except with two fingers stuck up the..."

**"HEY!"** Chibi Usa shouted as she covered her ears, "Do you mind? All I wanted was to read a story about giant robots blowing shit up. I do not need a biology lesson on lesbian sex!"

Before anyone else could respond, a paper airplane flew over to the group from off screen. Michiru caught it first and quickly read the note written on it, a look of triumph evident on her face.

"Well?" Makoto asked, "What is it?"

"It's a note from the author." Michiru answered.

"Really?" Mako asked, "How do you know?"

"Because it's written in red crayon." Michiru answered, at which point all four ladies present looked smirkingly out at the audience, "It says that he caves in, and this next omake will have educational content. Not because of our arguments, however, but out of sympathy for poor Ami who's being reduced to a catatonic state by..." Michiru looked up from the paper to poor Ami, who was shaking slightly as drool continued to run down her slacked jaw.

"Ami-chan." Makoto said sorrowfully, "We're sorry, we'll make it up to you."

"Absolutely." Michiru added sympathetically, "Come on, me and Mako-chan will fix everything... er... Mako-chan, be a dear and grab the whipped cream and hot fudge."

As Makoto and Michiru each took one of Ami's arms and led her away, Chibi Usa stalked away angrily in the opposite direction.

"Education, shmeducation." she grumbled, "I want my giant robots!"

--Omake Thirteen: Ol' MacMoru Had A Farm--

"And now," a sweet, kindly voice said over gentle background music, "It's time for Tokyo's favorite children's program, Children's Fairy Time."

In a farm somewhere out in the countryside, Mamoru strolls out wearing a pair of overalls and a straw hat.

"Greetings boys and girls." he says as he flashes a handsome smile, "Today on Children's Fairy Time, we're visiting Usagi's Uncle's farm. A F-A-R-M. Farm begins with the letter 'F,' as does 'fire.'"

"Did somebody call?" a voice asked. From off-screen Rei came out, likewise in a pair of overalls, "Two other words that begins with 'F' are 'flaccid' and 'failure.' You'd know all about that, wouldn't you Mam..."

"Ha ha ha, good one Rei-chan." Mamoru said through clenched teeth, "Besides the letter 'F,' there's also the letter 'D.' The letter 'D' is found a lot in phrases such as 'dirty diesel dyke' and 'disgusting, fish-eating...'"

"Why you..." Rei was about to go further, when Usagi came out wearing a cute little farmer's daughter dress, complete with white high-heeled pumps.

"Hello boys and girls." Usagi said. Turning to her boyfriend Mamoru and best friend Rei she looked down a bit, "Sorry I missed the beginning of the show, but I had to feed the horses. What were you two talking about?"

"Oh, not much." Rei answered, "Moron... er, Mamoru and I were teaching the boys and girls at home all about the letters 'F' and 'D.' Right Mamoru?"

Mamoru kept his fake smile on as he looked angrily at Rei, "That's right." he said, "And we were just about to discuss numbers. Numbers such as, oh I don't know, how about zero. Z-E-R-O. Let's use 'zero' in a sentence, boys and girls. 'If Rei were to count the number of times she'd been out on a date in the last three years...'"

"Or if Mamoru were to count how many times he's done it with a woman other than his inflatable date..."

"Oh gee, look at the time!" Usagi said nervously as she pushed herself between the two, "Today on Children's Fairy projects, me and Mamoru are going up on the roof of my uncle's barn to lay some tiles down. Won't that be fun boys and girls?"

"Why don't we sit this one out and send Rei up to fix the roof." Mamoru suggested, "After all, it IS fairy projects, and Rei IS a flaming..."

"You know kids," Rei said through clenched teeth as Usagi sweatdropped, "One of the great things about our show is how you can learn new things. For example, I'm now going to teach Mamoru a lesson all about pain..."

"Bring it on you..."

"Whoah!" Usagi cried as she desperately tried to keep the two apart, "Cut to the next scene! Cut to the next..."

--

"Hello again boys and girls." Usagi said as she smiled nervously, "Here I am up on the roof of the barn with my Mamo-chan. Oh, isn't it romantic up here?"

"It would be if your uncle hadn't tricked us into fixing his roof."

"What?"

"Oh nothing dear. Now boys and girls, as you can see, Usagi's uncle has a barn in need of repairs. This is grown up work, so ask your parent's permission before going up on your own roof at home. Anyways, you want to be careful up on the roof, because the tiles can be slippery."

"Gee Mamo-chan, I'll agree with you there. You know better than anyone how accident prone I can be, and trying to keep my balance up here with these stupid pumps on is..."

"ANYWAYS, we're going to lay the first tile down now. I'm going to hold this first tile while I take this nail next to me and hold it over here. Now Usagi, pick up that hammer next to you."

"You mean this one?" the blonde asked as she picked up the heavy object.

Mamoru nodded approvingly, "That's it." he said with a smile, "Now then," he began as he lined up the nail, "When I nod my head, you hit it."

Usagi looked at Mamoru, then out at the audience, then back to Mamoru.

"Um, Mamo-chan" she said in a low voice, "Are you really sure you want me to..."

"Gosh boys and girls, Usagi sure is slow, huh?" he then turned to his girlfriend and gave her an icy stare, "I said, when I nod my head, you hit it! Okay?"

Usagi sighed as she nodded her head. Mamoru once again lined up the nail and, smiling to himself, nodded to the blonde.

**-THWACK!-**

"**Ow!**" Mamoru shouted as he held his head between his hands, "What in the fu..."

"You told me that when you nodded your head I was supposed to..."

"THE NAIL! I meant for you to hit the nail you stupid blonde bimbo! I... I..." Mamoru suddenly found himself loosing balance. Before he could stop himself, he fell off the roof to the ground below.

Luckily, the fall did not kill him.

Unluckily, the hay bailer passing by at that instant did.

Rei ran over as Usagi was climbing down the ladder from the roof, "Look boys and girls." she said, "What do you suppose that is? Some sort of giant Rubik's Cube, or a modern art piece, or..."

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi shrieked as she ran over to the gruesome bail, "Oh no, oh Mamo-chan..."

Rei went over to her friend and took her in her arms, "Boys and girls," she said looking out at the audience, "Usagi and I have to have a moment alone right now. We'll be right back." she added, making a motion with her hand across her neck for the cameraman to cut the scene.

--

"Hello." Usagi said, "I suppose all you nice boys and girls are wondering why we're suddenly in my bedroom, and why I'm wearing this Little Bo Peep costume. Well, it's been a week since Mamo-chan passed away, and me and Rei had a nice long chat, followed by one incredible night I'll never forget." she said, smiling from ear to ear as she blushed at the memories.

"Anyways, Rei taught me some new letters to add to my vocabulary. They are 'L' for 'lesbian,' 'S' for 'submissive'..."

"And of course 'D' for 'Dominatrix.'" Rei added as she walked in the room wearing a skin-tight black leather corset ensemble and carrying an ominous looking black bag, "Us adults are going to be busy for awhile," she said as she reached into the bag to pull out a pair of handcuffs, "So now would be a good time to say goodbye."

Rei turned to Usagi in time to catch the look the blonde was giving her, and smiled, "Yes." she said with a nod, "You have my permission to say goodbye to the kids."

"Thank you mistress." Usagi said. She then turned back to the audience, "Goodbye boys and girls. See you next time on Children's Fairy Time, and remember to brush your teeth."

-To Be Continued-


	14. Chapter 14

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--Prologue--

It was the night of the fourteenth annual convention of J-LAD (Japanese Lesbians Against Defamation), and the event was a smashing success. After the speeches from several prominent figures in the lesbian community in Japan, the highlight of the evening was a musical performance by the great classical violinist Kaioh Michiru and her partner, piano virtuoso and Formula-One racecar driver Tenoh Haruka.

"And now," the events coordinator, Arisugawa Juri announced, "Ms. Kaioh and Mr. Tenoh will..." she was cut off by Haruka putting a hand on her shoulder. As Juri looked at the sandy-blonde dressed in a tuxedo curiously, Haruka took the microphone away from her to address the crowd.

"Ladies," Haruka began in her normal deep, husky voice, "Michiru and I, we... I look out at all of you, and the courage it took all of you to come here openly and... Michiru and I, as you all know, are a couple." Haruka started to shake as she took a deep breath. Michiru, dressed elegantly in a strapless blue evening gown came over to take her hand, and the tomboy continued, "What no one but our closest friends know... Knew, until now, is that while I'm often mistaken for a guy... I... I'm a woman, and Michiru and I have been in a monogamous lesbian relationship since ninety-four."

The large convention hall suddenly became very quiet. Then, someone started clapping, followed by another and another. Soon, the whole group of women were applauding the two ladies who'd just come out publicly. After Juri came over to give them both hugs of support the two took each other in their arms, both feeling like a giant weight had been lifted by going public. Once the applause for the two finally died down, they began to play their duet before the assembly.

Five minutes into the concert, however, all the lights in the amphitheater went out. Suddenly, something that glowed white started to float down from the roof. As it came closer to the stage, everyone could see that it looked like a woman wearing a classical Greek toga and a pair of sandals.

"Fools!" she screamed, "Idiots! You come here with your mullets and your combat boots and your flannel shirts and your body piercings, and you talk of lesbian love? You're all a disgrace to feminine love shared between two of the same sex! That is why **I**, **the Ghost of Sappho**, the greatest lesbian who ever lived, have returned to earth to punish you all! Leave this building now! Leave, I say!"

In a panic, the group of women ran for the exits to get away. Haruka, her hand firmly clutched around Michiru's wrist, pulled her love behind the bleachers.

"Ruka-kun!" Michiru said in fear, "If the ghost of Sappho declares war on the lesbians of Japan, what can any of us do to stop her?"

"Don't worry, love." Haruka answered as she pulled out her cell phone, "I already know who to go to for help."

"Who?" Michiru asked as her partner quickly dialed a number, "Ghost Busters?"

"Of course not." Haruka answered, "I'm calling the Japanese branch of Mysteries Inc."

--

--Omake Fourteen: Luna Scooba Doo--

"Jinkies gang." Mamoru said as he parked the Mystery Machine, "This case looks like it might be a tough one."

"Right." Ami said as she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, "You got everything we'll need once we get in there to hunt down clues?"

"Absolutely." Rei answered, "Magnifying glass, compass, flashlight, a heaping helping of dumb luck, and... Hey, you two in back! You ready to go in there yet?"

"Zoinks!" Usagi said, "Like no way Rei! Me and Luna will stay in the van while you three hunt down that spooky lesbian in the haunted amphitheater."

"I quite agree!" Luna added, "And before any of you reading this at home ask; no, I'm not going to talk 'rike ris' throughout this stupid omake. A cat has her pride after all, and..."

"Fourth wall!" Ami shouted at Luna, "Anyways, are you sure you wouldn't go in, even for a Luna-Snack?"

"How dare you!" Luna shouted, "I am not one of Pavlov's dogs, and I find it deeply offensive that you think just by waving a 'Luna-Snack' in my face you can make me..."

"I will!" Usagi shouted.

"What?" Luna asked in shock as Ami tossed her the snack and Usagi gobbled it up, "Usagi, that was friggin' cat food! What in the hell's the matter with you, you dumb..."

"Zoinks, like come on Luna!" the blonde said as she grabbed the hapless cat's front legs and jumped out the back of the van, the other members of Mysteries Inc. joining her.

--

"Thank goodness you got here so soon!" Juri said as the gang came over to the large gathering of women standing outside the building, "The Ghost of Sappho has taken over the building, and..."

"Zoinks, then like why call us?" Usagi asked, "Like, Sappho's Mick Foley's hand puppet, right? Get him to..."

"That's Mr. Socko, not Sappho!" Rei shouted at the blonde, "Sappho was a great poet of Classical Greece who wrote love poems to women she was in love with. She lived on the isle of Lesbos, and it's from her and her homeland we get the terms "Sapphic" and "lesbian."

"Jinkies, how do you know so much about lesbian history Rei?" Mamoru Asked. Instead of answering, Rei blushed furiously.

"We don't have time for all this." Ami said, "We have to capture that gal-lovin' ghoul before it's too late!"

"Right." Mamoru said, "Come on gang, let's go catch us a ghost!"

--Three Chase Scenes Later--

"Jinkies." Mamoru said, "Between the rope and pulley Rei found dangling from the roof, and the phosphorescent paint Ami found, I think we're just about ready to enter that part of the show where we set up a trap for the ghost."

"Fourth wall!" Ami said, "I already yelled at Luna earlier for that."

"Thanks for reminding everyone I'm still here by the way." Luna muttered.

"So what's your plan?" Rei asked.

"Well; you, me and Ami will work on building a crude catapult over by the door. We'll then set up a net in the middle of the convention center. Sappho's ghost will fall onto the catapult, be launched at the net which will catch her, then we'll see who she really is. All we need is a set of volunteers to let the gay ghost chase her and her cat, and..."

"Zoinks! Like no way, Mamo-chan." Usagi said, "I mean, I love you and all, but there's no way I'm going to be the bait in this scheme!"

"Good for you Usagi!" Luna said, "And I'm with her in refusing to participate in this ridiculous..."

"Not even for a Luna snack?" Ami asked?

Sure enough, Luna soon found herself being dragged along by Usagi, who was licking her lips after eating the Luna snack.

"Zoinks." Usagi said, "Like, it sure is spooky in the back of this dark amphitheater."

"You should have thought of that before coming back here."

"Luna, why do you always have to be so mean?" Usagi asked angrily.

"U... U... Usagi-chan," Luna stuttered out "I... I didn't say anything."

"But **I** did!" an ominous voice said. Usagi and Luna both turned around.

"Zoinks!" Usagi shrieked, "It's like the ghost of Sappho!"

The blond and her cat immediately ran back to where the others were, with Sappho's ghost hot on their trail.

--

"Okay gang, get ready." Rei said, "I can hear them coming."

"Jinkies!" Mamoru said, "Ami, hurry up!"

"Coming Mamo-kun, I..." Ami was cut off as she tripped over a loose floor tile, her glasses falling off her head, "My glasses! Where are my glasses?"

As Ami searched on all fours in the darkened building, Usagi and Luna ran in, followed by the homosexual horror of Sappho's ghost. In the dark, Usagi didn't see Ami. She tripped over the young genius, flying into Mamoru and knocking him into the catapult.

Sadly, while Mamoru was great at coming up with ideas on how to catch ghosts, he wasn't much of an engineer. The catapult had been built to be far too powerful, and had been pulled far too taught. Thus, when Mamoru's weight tripped its mechanism, he was not launched the short distance over to the capture net. Instead, he was thrust past the net into the brick wall at the far end of the event center, hitting it head first at close to a hundred and eighty miles an hour.

As his body flopped dead to the ground, the doors to the event center were busted open by the Tokyo Police.

"Zoinks!" Usagi cried, "Like, my Mamo-chan's dead!"

"Yes," one of the officers said as he slapped a pair of handcuffs on the ghost of Sappho, "And he wouldn't be if you meddling kids and that stupid cat of yours had come to the police in the first place instead of trying to solve this case on your own!"

"Never mind that," Ami said as she came forward and grabbed a hold of the Sappho mask, "Let's see who this ghost really is!" she said as she pulled the mask off to reveal...

Usagi's younger brother, Shingo!

**"SHINGO?!"** the three girls and Luna all screamed in shock out loud.

"Why'd you do it?" Rei asked. The boy turned to the raven-haired beauty angrily.

"Why? I'll tell you why; thirteen chapters straight without me, that's why! Hell, even mom and dad got to make an appearance back in omake six! I want the spotlight too, damn it! Just for once..."

"That's enough of that, young man." The police officer said as he dragged the boy off into custody. As Ami watched the police take Shingo away, Rei went over to where Usagi and Luna were kneeling by Mamoru's body.

"Zoinks." Usagi said sadly, "Like, Mamoru's dead. Now I'm all alone."

"Not quite." Rei said as she rested her hand on Usagi's back, "You see, the reason I knew so much about lesbian history earlier was because, well, I am a lesbian. And... And I'm in love with you Usagi."

"Really?" Usagi asked, "Well, like, zoinks, I'm really flattered Rei, but I'm straight."

"You sure you wouldn't be interested in dating another girl?" Rei asked with a devious smile, "Not even for a Luna Snack?"

"Rei, please." Luna said, "Sure, Usagi's clumsy, a whiner, not that bright, and often thinks more with her stomach than her head, but not even Usagi would switch to being gay for a..."

"Make it _two_ Luna Snacks." Usagi said.

"WHAT?" Luna asked in stunned disbelief.

"Done!" Rei said as she handed the two cat treats over. Usagi quickly downed the snacks, and then pulled Rei over into a deep sensual kiss. Luna turned to the audience.

"Don't you folks out there sometimes wish it were that easy in real life?" the cat asked.

"Fourth wall!" Ami called over from off screen.

-To Be Continued-


	15. Chapter 15

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--A Special Announcement--

Up on the stage, in front of the usual curtain background used for the editorials, Setsuna stood smiling proudly out at the audience.

"Hello everyone." Setsuna says, "We had a lot of fun last time with Shingo running around dressed like Sappho's ghost. Well, being the Time Senshi, I decided to go back in time to the seventh century B.C. to bring out a very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, let's all put our hands together for a great sport and the woman Plato called 'the Tenth Muse,' the _real_ Sappho."

To the sound of applause a stately young woman in her early thirties comes out to stand next to Setsuna, "Thank you." she says, "It's a pleasure being here."

From off stage Setsuna's roommates, Haruka and Michiru, come out to join Setsuna and Sappho. Both look uncharacteristically in awe of the female poetess.

"S... Sappho-sempai," Michiru says as she clings onto a book of the Grecian's extant poems, "I can't believe you're really here! I... We... Ruka and I are big admirers of your work, and..."

Sappho smiled kindly at the pair, "Say no more dear." she took the book from Michiru's sweaty, trembling hands and opened the front cover, "Do you have a quill pen and some ink handy?"

"Here," Haruka said as she quickly pulled out a ballpoint pen, "You just push the button there and write. The ink's already in it."

"Really?" Sappho asked, the classical Greek visibly impressed, "Interesting. Now then," she said, flashing a smile at the two gushing Outers, "Who would you like me to make this out to?"

Before either could answer, Minako came out from the opposite side of the stage, "Hey guys, what's up?" Seeing the poetess with Setsuna, Michiru and Haruka, she looked confused, "So what's going on? A toga party?"

Michiru buried her face in her hands out of embarrassment as Haruka narrowed her eyes. Before the tomboy could get her hands on Minako though, Sappho came over to the young woman.

"Setsuna?" Sappho asked as she stared at the young blonde in front of her, "Who is this? Who is this vision of loveliness, this beautiful little woodland nymph that you have kept hidden away?"

Minako looked at the Greek in front of her, then over to Setsuna, "Sets-chan," she said nervously, "Who is this?"

Setsuna stepped over to the nervous blonde and the leering poetess, "Minako, this is the Greek poet Sappho. Sappho, this is Minako, or as we like to call her Mina-chan."

Minako held a hand out to the woman in front of her, "Sappho, eh?" she said, "It's a pleasure to meet you. I actually had to do a report on you for a course I was taking a year or so back, I..." the blonde's voice drifted off as Sappho took her hand and, instead of shaking it, brought it up to her lips and kissed it.

"Mina..." she said in a low, sultry voice, "Oh fair child, most beauteous of they whom today I have beheld, fair haired and blue eyed. Beautiful as the morning dawn and bright as Apollo upon his chariot. Would that you could look upon me, my young one, my lovely one, in the way I do look upon you now; smitten with a love at first sight she did but think impossible only a few short moments ago."

Turning away from Minako, she looked upwards, "Oh Great Aphrodite, deathless daughter of Zeus, do but touch this young maidens heart as she has touched mine, that together we might praise you and give you thanks through our love for one another."

Looking back at the now clearly mesmerized young woman before her, she cupped her cheeks in her hand, "Mina, my dear, beautiful Mina, this one who stands before you like a fawn before the hunter does ask, no, pleads with you not to break this tender heart, which does beat beneath my breast. I am like one captured, imprisoned in your eyes; do tell me you feel the same."

At that point, in front of the stunned Outers, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Minako's. The blond closed her eyes as she found herself returning the kiss. After several minutes, the two separated. Sappho stroked Minako's cheek as she smiled at her.

"Mina," the Greek purred, "Wait for me behind the stage curtain, I'll be but a moment.

Minako, looking almost as stunned as her fellow Senshi, nodded slowly as she began to walk off stage in a daze, touching her lips with her right hand. Once she left the stage, the poetess turned back to the three stunned spectators.

"What in the hell just happened?" Setsuna asked.

"You... You..." Michiru stuttered.

"You switched Minako!" Haruka said, visibly impressed. The Greek smiled at them.

"Heyyyy," she said, sticking both her thumbs up in the air, "I'm the Sappho, remember? Chicks dig the poems. Heyyyy."

--

--Omake Fifteen: Cuckold--

The Inners were all gathered at the apartment Usagi was renting after moving out of her parents house. They were saying goodbye to Mamoru, who was leaving to go to college overseas. As the time for him to leave finally drew near, he went to kiss Usagi goodbye, a bit surprised to find Usagi turning her head so that he kissed her cheek instead of her lips. He would've asked her what was wrong, but it was time for him to leave.

"Goodbye everyone." he said in the doorframe, "Mina, Mako, Ami, Rei, and of course Usagi-chan. I'll keep in touch." he then turned and left.

All of Usagi's friends could see she was sad, and so they naturally assumed it was because of Mamoru leaving for college. Each tried to cheer her up, reminding her he'd be back soon and that they'd have centuries ahead to be together. Strangely though, Usagi just looked sadder than ever.

With a heavy heart, her friends noted the time and excused themselves for the evening, promising to come by in the morning to try to cheer her up. As they started to leave, Usagi spoke up.

"Rei-chan." Usagi called, a certain desperation in her voice, "Can you stay behind, please?"

Rei looked at Usagi, and then quickly exchanged glances with her fellow Senshi before turning back to her princess, "Sure." she said as the others left, "What's wrong?" she asked, noting how agitated the blonde was.

"Rei," Usagi said as she nervously paced in front of the shrine maiden and fellow Senshi, "We... need to talk."

Rei sighed, "Look, if this is about how you slipped and spilled that soda on me at the Crown..." she stopped when she saw the look her princess was giving her, "Usagi-chan, what is it? What's wrong?"

Usagi took a deep breath to try to get her emotions under control, "Suppose... Hypothetically speaking, of course... Suppose you were told you would one day be a great person, famous even. In fact, you would one day be a queen of a large kingdom, but... But there was a price. You... You had to deny your heart, and you had to be with someone whom, no matter how much you tried, you couldn't love. And... And the one you did love, you could never be with. Would... Would it be worth it?"

Rei looked at Usagi silently for a few seconds, then turned away from her to look out the apartment window.

"I know what I'm supposed to say." Rei said, "I'm supposed to remind you of your duty, of your destiny." She closed her eyes as she thought of her own unrequited love for Usagi herself. "Fuck duty." she said, still looking out the window as a tear ran down her left cheek, "If you don't love Mamoru, I say follow your heart. Tell whoever it is you really care about what you feel for them, and even if they don't share your feelings..." her voice drifted off as she suddenly found a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind.

"Rei," Usagi said in a tremulous voice, "Please don't be scared off, and please don't hate me for feeling the way I do, but... I love you." she said, the last few words barely above a whisper, "I love the way you smile, the funny way you tease me in order to get me to grow up, the way your eyes light up in the heat of battle. I've tried to ignore these feelings, but... But I can't. I love you Hino Rei-chan."

Rei turned to Usagi, only to see that there were tears running down the blonde's eyes as well. Rei didn't say a word, she didn't have to. She instead pulled Usagi over, kissing her on the lips. The kiss was gentle at first, then quickly deepened as the two gave vent to their long denied feelings.

--

Mamoru was deeply troubled about the way the night had ended. Why did Usagi seem so sad and withdrawn lately? And why did she turn her head to avoid kissing him on the lips? Had he done something wrong?

He turned his car around and headed back to the apartment. He could always get another plane ticket. He had to know what was wrong.

--

Rei held Usagi tight, the blonde sitting in the dark-haired shrine maiden's lap as they explored each other's mouths with their tongues. Usagi softly moaned into her lover's mouth as the doorknob to the apartment slowly turned.

Suddenly, Rei's eyes shot open.

"Mamoru!" she gasped, "He's coming!"

"Good." Usagi purred as she sucked on Rei's lower lip, "That makes two of us."

**"USAGI!"** Mamoru screamed in shock, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Mamo-chan, I'm sorry." Usagi said as she got off Rei's lap to face her fiancée, "I tried to love you, really I did. But..."

"I... I can't believe this!" Mamoru said angrily as he stormed off. Outside the apartment, a ladder was suddenly placed against the window.

"That didn't go very well, did it?" Usagi asked. Rei shook her head as the ladder moved a bit as someone climbed it.

"No, it didn't." she affirmed as a hand now became visible on one of the ladder's rungs, "But then again, this omake has been a bit more angsty than the others so far. Hopefully the comedy part will kick in soon so we don't loose too many viewers, I..."

"Fourth wall!" Ami shouted as she finally reached the top of the ladder.

--Four Hours Later--

Mamoru, in his anger, had stumbled from one bar to the next trying to drown his troubles inside a whisky bottle. After the fifth bar he'd been to kicked him out, saying he was too intoxicated, he wandered the streets until finding a new place he was unfamiliar with.

Stumbling in, he immediately attracted the attention of everyone in the elegant nightclub. The patrons on the dance floor and by the library watched as he made his way to the bar, walking past the dining section and again attracting stares.

"Ggggimme shomething shtrong." He slurred out once he took a seat on a barstool. The bartender gave him a weird look.

Um, sir," the bartender said, "We can't serve you here. We..."

Lishen hhhere you... You bimbo!" he shouted angrily at the blue-haired woman tending bar, "I... I wanna drinky-poo, An' I want oooone now!"

As several of the patrons angrily started making their way over, a redhead came over to where Mamoru was sitting with her arms crossed. She looked at the drunk before her, gave the bartender a sympathetic look, and then turned back to address him.

"Sir," she said curtly, "Ryoko-chan here is not a bimbo. We cannot serve you here, so if you'll please leave, I..."

"Oh really!" Mamoru slurred out, "Aaaand just who the hhhell are you s'posed to be?"

"My name is Arisugawa Juri, and this is my nightclub, Arisugawa's Locket." she answered as she tried to keep her temper under control, "And the reason you can't drink here is that this is a bar for les..."

"Dirty dyke." Mamoru spat out.

Suddenly the music on the dance floor came to a stop as every woman in the popular lesbian nightclub glared at the drunk at the bar.

"**WHAT** did you just say?" Juri asked as her eye started twitching.

"M... My fffianshee." Mamoru slurred, "She l... Left mmme fer an... another woman. I wassss... wasss dating a friggin' faggot! A dir... dirty fish-eating queerball! I..."

A group of three women started stalking over as Mamoru continued on with his angry tirade, oblivious to the fact that the blue-haired space pirate tending bar was coming out to join them.

"Hey," a woman with dark, scraggly-looking hair wearing a biker jacket said as she came over, "I couldn't help but overhear your sob story. Why don't you come outside with me and a few of my friends, and you can tell us all about it."

Mamoru turned to her, noticing the bartender and two other women with her, and smiled.

"Th... Thank you." Mamoru slurred out as one of the group, a gorgeous woman with tanned skin and white hair helped him to his feet, "You don't know wwwwhat it's like, finding out yer girlfffriend's a homo, I..." he was cut off as the women began to lead him out of the nightclub. The woman in the biker jacket turned to Juri, smiling as she cracked her knuckles.

"Don't worry," Priss Asagiri said, "Urd, Mara, Ryoko and I will take care of him off the Locket's grounds."

Before Jury could stop her, Priss ran over to the others who were exiting the building with Mamoru. Soon, the sounds of a fistfight could be heard from outside the nightclub, accompanied by a whiny male voice begging for mercy. Suddenly, everything got very quiet, then...

**KA-BOOM!**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**

**ZAP!**

The door to Arisugawa's Locket opened again as the four smiling women came back in, the smell of burnt flesh trailing in after them.

"Priss," Jury said with her arms crossed, "You and the others didn't leave a mess for me to clean up, did you?"

"Hell no." the Knight Saber answered, "Most off what's left of him has already been blown away by the wind. The sanitation department will take care of the rest."

"Good." The redhead said as Ryoko went back behind the bar. As the blue-haired alien turned to her right, she saw two new customers coming up for drinks.

"So," she said to the blond and her date wearing a toga, "What can I get for you?"

"I'm not sure," the one woman said looking at the list of drinks the Locket served, "Most of these drinks didn't exist back in the seventh century B.C. What would you suggest?" she asked, turning to the blonde.

"Whatever you want is fine by me, Sappho-chan." Minako cooed as she leaned her head on the Greek's shoulder. Sappho turned back to Ryoko and smiled.

"Heyyyy." she said, sticking her thumbs up in the air.

--To Be Continued--

End Notes: First off, big thanks to Shanejayell for the use of Arisugawa's locket. Secondly, Arisugawa Juri is from Revolution Girl Utena, Urd and Mara are from Oh! My Goddess, Ryoko is from Tenchi Muyo, and Priss Asagiri is from Bubblegum Crisis.


	16. Chapter 16

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--

--Omake Sixteen: Catch That Lesbian!--

"Chibi Usa?" Hotaru asked, "What's that your reading?"

"It's a cool magazine called _Pseudo-Science Monthly."_ The pink haired girl answered. Ami, studying a medical textbook on the other end of the room now looked up from her reading, her left eyebrow raised slightly.

"_Pseudo-Science Monthly_?" she asked, "I never heard of that journal. What kind of articles are in there?"

"Well," Chibi Usa began, "Besides the cool article about Bigfoot being pregnant with triplets, how wearing undergarments that are too tight can lead to premature aging, and the upcoming invasion of us land dwellers by the inhabitants of Atlantis, there's this really cool story about a Mexican safari on the hunt for the illusive chupacabra."

"Really?" Hotaru asked enthusiastically, "That sounds interesting."

"It is! Apparently they were able to briefly capture one of the elusive creatures with a crude trap made from a lobster tank and microphone, but it escaped when..."

"Chibi Usa," Ami interrupted, "That's not a scientific journal. It's just a stupid tabloid, and you're going to rot your brain if you read garbage like that."

"Ami-chan," Hotaru said, "Why are you staying here to baby-sit Chibi Usa and me? Where's Setsuna mama?"

"Well," the young genius answered, "Sets-chan is with the others looking for someone she brought here through the timegate whose now running around trying to avoid being sent back in time. And since your Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama are out playing a concert, you two need some sort of adult supervision. And as the adult around here, I'm telling you that this garbage is not to be read around here." she said as she yanked the _Pseudo-Science Monthly_ away from Chibi Usa.

"Hey!" the pink-haired youngster protested, "What am I supposed to read now?"

"Here, read this." Ami said as she passed a different magazine to the girl.

"_Non-Euclidian Geometries of the Sub-Atomic Strata Weekly_?" the child asked as she read the magazine title. Hotaru spoke up for her friend.

"Um, Ami-chan," the Senshi of Death began, "I'm not sure, but I think this may be a little heavy reading for little Chibi..."

"Nonsense." Ami answered with a smile, "I was younger than her when I first started reading it. Five years old, in fact. The same year I started cram school." her smile slowly faded as she continued, "My mom's a doctor, you know. Everyone expected me to be one too. Everyone." she said as her voice suddenly became harsher, "Other kids got to go to amusement parks and play in sand boxes. Not me, I couldn't miss cram school, could I? No! Not even for one friggin' afternoon!"

"Um... Ami-chan?" Chibi Usa said nervously.

"When do I get a childhood?" Ami shouted, "When do I get to play with little dolls and run around in fields picking flowers and read pointless manga and watch cartoons? When do I get to have sleepovers and play hide-and-go-seek? I want a fucking childhood too, damn it! I..."

"Shhh..." Hotaru said as she took Ami over to the large comfortable chair her Haruka-papa always sat in and made her sit down while patting her hand, "There there, it's okay. You just sit here and relax Ami-chan. Chibi-Usa and I will make you a nice cup of tea."

As both youngsters left the frazzled young woman in the other room and entered the kitchen, Chibi Usa looked over to her friend.

"Wow." the girl said, "What do you make of all that Taru-chan?"

"Hmmm... Well, Michiru-mama sometimes goes off like that when Haruka-papa is away during the racing season. It probably just means that Ami needs to get laid really bad."

"Oh, okay." Chibi Usa said as the two started preparing the cup of tea for Ami.

--

"Urgh..." Setsuna groaned, "Okay, I admit it; it's my fault. I was the one who brought Sappho here to the twenty-first century, and I was wrong to do it, okay? The problem, of course, is that now that she's spent an evening hobnobbing with the Tokyo lesbians at that Locket place she's decided she doesn't want to go back."

"Wait a second," Mamoru interrupted, "Are you trying to say that she's... run away?"

Setsuna let out another groan as she nodded. "Yes, and I'm pretty sure I don't have to point out to any of you how damaging all this could be to the timeline. So rather than stand around talking about it, let's try to get her back so I can fix the situation."

"Very well." Rei said, "Why don't we split up into teams? I'll go with Mamoru, Usagi can go with Mina-chan..."

"No." Setsuna interrupted, "I'll go with Mina-chan. Usagi can team up with Mako-chan."

"Sounds fine by me." Makoto said, "I don't care who I search with."

--Two Hours Later--

"So," Minako began as she continued walking the streets with Setsuna, "Exactly why did you want me to be with you instead of Mako-chan?"

"Well, I... Ami's not hiding anywhere to enforce the fourth wall rule, is she?"

"What? No, of course not. She had a nervous breakdown two scenes ago, remember?"

"Good. Last omake, when you were spending all that time with Sappho, exactly what were you two up to?"

"Well," Mina began, blushing a bit as she swept her hair back, "We... Wait a minute. Are you jealous?"

"Well..."

"Oh Sets-chan, why didn't you tell me you were interested in Sappho? If I'd known I would've..."

"It's not Sappho I was... am interested in." Setsuna said as she continued walking alongside the blonde, avoiding eye contact.

Minako looked over to her fellow Senshi in surprise, "Setsuna?" she asked a bit taken aback.

"Well," Setsuna began, "You... you're a very attractive young woman with an outgoing personality, and I... I never asked I guess because..." her voice drifted as she felt Minako's hand clutching hers. She looked over to see the blonde smiling sweetly at her. The Time Senshi found herself smiling back. The two then turned to continue with their search hand in hand, Mina's head resting on Setsuna's shoulder.

--

"Excuse me," Usagi said to the attractive lady in the toga and sandals who was leaving the novelty shop wearing a pair of Groucho glasses, "You haven't seen a famous lesbian poet running around here, have you?"

"Sorry, but no." the woman said in a heavy Greek accent, "I haven't seen anyone like that around here. Sorry I couldn't help you."

"Darn it!" Usagi said, stomping her foot on the ground angrily as Makoto came over, "We've been looking for two hours and still haven't found her."

"Calm down Usagi." Makoto said, "Well find her, I... Hello." she said, her eyes narrowing as she looked suspiciously at the Greek wearing the Groucho glasses, "And who exactly are you supposed to be?"

"Who, me?" the woman in the toga asked as she sweatdropped, "Well, I'm Sapph... er... Steve. Yeah, that's it. Hi, I'm Steve. Pleased to meet

you." she said as she flashed a nervous smile.

"Steve?" Makoto asked, "Oh, come on. No one's stupid enough to be fooled by..."

"I already asked Steve-san." Usagi said sorrowfully, "But he hasn't seen Sappho anywhere. I..."

"Usagi, you baka!" Makoto shouted angrily, "Can't you see what's going on here?"

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat," the Greek said as she slowly started to back away, "But I have to get going, so..."

"Stop right there!" Makoto shouted.

"Oh shit!" the woman cried out as she turned and ran away, her Groucho disguise falling off as she ran.

"Hey!" Usagi said as she looked at the disguise lying on the sidewalk, "I think I just figured something out."

"Never mind that!" Makoto shouted as she gave chase to the native from the Isle of Lesbos, "Come on, she's getting away!"

--

A group of workmen were using a rope and pulley to hoist a grand piano up to the fifth floor of a high rise as Mamoru and Rei were walking on the sidewalk below.

"Hmmm..." Rei said as she thought out loud, "Let's see, we've searched by the library, the industrial park, and the mall. I'm not sure where we should go next Mamo-kun, I... Mamoru?" she asked as she noticed the worried look in his face, "What's wrong?"

"I... I don't know Rei-chan." Mamoru answered pensively, "It's just... well... Have you ever had a feeling of deja vu?"

Rei tilted her head at that, "What, you mean like I was repeating something I'd done before?" she asked. "I suppose so. Why?"

"Well," he answered, "You'll probably think this sounds strange, but I just have this sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen, you know what I mean? I can't explain it, but I just feel like history's about to repeat itself, and something bad is going to happen to me. I..."

"Come back here!" a voice shouted from around the corner of the building they were standing in front of. Before either Mamoru or Rei could react, a Greek in a toga and sandals came running around the building. A split second later, Makoto and Usagi came running around the corner in hot pursuit.

"Sappho!" Usagi yelled, "I can't forgive you for trying to trick me like that! In the name of the Moon, once I get my hands on you I'm going to..."

As Rei and Mamoru began to maneuver in place to block Sappho's escape, the poetess knocked into the men hoisting the piano, causing them to loose their grip on the rope. The piano descended rapidly, landing on Mamoru with a thunderous crash, killing him instantly.

As Rei turned to the dead body of Mamoru in shock, the Greek quickly ran by.

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi shrieked.

"Mamoru!" Rei cried.

"Never mind him!" Makoto shouted, "Come on, she's getting away."

--

They kissed, oblivious to the world around them or to the search for the poetess from another time period as they lost themselves in each other's arms. At last, after what seemed like hours, they separated.

"I've been so blind." Minako said, "I wish I'd known sooner. All this time apart, when we could've been..."

Setsuna silenced her by putting her finger to the blonde's lips. "Hush." she said gently, "Don't worry about the time we've wasted. We have the rest of our lives ahead of us, and..."

"Stop!"

"Get back here, you..."

"My Mamo-chan! You killed my..."

"I never touched your Mamo-chan! It was the piano that killed him!"

Minako and Setsuna turned just in time to catch a fleeting glimpse of Sappho before she bumped into them, knocking the two lovebirds over onto the sidewalk. As Setsuna fell, Sappho reached out to her to try to keep her from getting injured. Unfortunately, instead of grabbing a hold of her arm, the Classical Greek poetess grabbed hold of the front of her blouse, tearing her clothing off with a ripping sound as the Time Senshi fell .

Setsuna turned bright red from a combination of embarrassment and anger as Minako got an eyeful of her new girlfriend in her bra and panties, to say nothing of the garter belt holding up her stockings. The two got back up to their feet as Rei, Usagi and Makoto passed them chasing after the Greek. As the chase music from The Benny Hill Show started playing in the background, an infuriated Setsuna and Mina-chan joined the chase.

--

The doors to the crown opened as Ami came out with Michiru, Haruka, Hotaru and Chibi Usa.

"Thank you for taking me out for a sundae." Ami said, "Sorry about loosing it back at the house, I..."

"Don't even worry about it." Michiru said as she patted the younger woman on the back, "Ruka-kun and I are thankful that you were able to baby-sit for us today while we were playing our concert, and as for your breakdown, well..."

"I guess we never knew how much pressure was being put on you." Haruka said sympathetically. "I think the best thing for you right now might be to take a rest."

Hotaru nodded her head, "Haruka-papa's right." she said, "Go someplace nice and quiet, stress free, and try to get some rest."

"Right." Chibi Usa said, "Avoid any sort of stress or anxiety and try to take it easy for a little bit."

Ami smiled at her friends, "Thanks guys." she said as her eyes started to tear up, "I'm so lucky to have friends like you, I..."

"She's getting away!"

"Come back here you Grecian creep! I'll..."

"Usagi, if you're going to run that slowly then get out of my way!"

As The Benny Hill chase music once again started up in the background, Michiru and the others looked on in horror as Sappho ran around the corner and knocked Ami down. As the now nervous wreck of a young genius tried to get up again, she was knocked back down by Makoto. As the rest of the group chasing the poetess passed on, Ami finally rose back to her feet, the young woman shaking all over as her left eye twitched and her face took on a demented look.

"Um... Ami-chan?" Haruka said nervously, "Are you..."

**"AAAARRRGH!"** Ami shrieked at the top of her lungs as she grabbed onto her hair and pulled two handfuls of her short blue locks out. She then gave chase after the Greek and her pursuers.

"Oh crap." Michiru said as she, Haruka and the two girls then gave chase to their now mentally unbalanced friend.

As the chase was going on at an accelerated pace with the Benny Hill music blaring in the background, Setsuna quickly ducked into a side alley and disappeared. Meanwhile, Sappho took a quick look behind her to see how she was doing, and frowned when she saw former track star Haruka running past the others almost effortlessly in order to reach her. She turned to look forward just as the timegate opened in front of her.

"Oh shi..." she began before disappearing into the gate. A few seconds later, Setsuna emerged from the timegate in her underwear and stockings as the portal disappeared.

"Humph." she said triumphantly, "Trifle with the Time Senshi will you..." she was interrupted by someone trying to speak words of consolation to another.

"Shhh... It's okay, Rei." Usagi said, "It wasn't your fault Mamo-chan died. I'm not angry with you, honest."

"M... My princess," Rei said downcast, "I've failed you. How can you still be willing to call me your friend?"

"Rei-chan," Usagi said softly as she stroked her cheek, "I could never be angry with you." she then surprised everyone by leaning forward and kissing the stunned shrine maiden on the lips.

"U... Usagi!" Rei cried as she blushed feverishly, "What..."

Usagi smiled endearingly at her, "You know," she said with a twinkle in her eyes, "I've always wanted to do that."

"R... Really?" Rei asked still in shock, "Well, how... How was it?"

Usagi's smile widened, "I think I liked it." she answered cheerfully, "You?"

Rei looked a few seconds into Usagi's beautiful blue eyes before returning the blonde's smile, "It was... nice." she admitted. Usagi took the raven-haired young woman's hand and they walked off together.

"That's so sweet." Minako said as she watched the two walk off. Setsuna put her arm around the Senshi of Love and the blonde leaned her head on her now bare shoulder.

"Ami-chan?" Hotaru asked the young genius nervously as she stared off into space, "Ami-chan, are you..."

"Here," Makoto said as she gently pushed the young Senshi of Death aside, "I'll bring her out of it." With that, she took Ami and gave her a long and sensual kiss on the lips. Pulling away, she smiled as the shorter young woman blinked her eyes and looked up at her.

"Mako-chan." Ami began, "I... I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what happened to me."

"Don't worry about it." Makoto said, "You probably just need to get laid really bad."

Ami thought about that for a moment, then smiled. "Yeah," she agreed, "I think you're right."

As Makoto walked off with Ami, Minako walked off with Setsuna, and Haruka left with Michiru, Hotaru turned to Chibi-Usa.

"Grown ups are weird." she said.

"Boy, you said it." Chibi Usa agreed. Suddenly she smiled brightly, "Hey, want to play Chupacabra hunter?"

"Okay!" Hotaru answered enthusiastically, "We can use my fish tank and Barbie voice amplifier for the trap."

"And we can get Luna or Artemis to play the chupacabra!" Chibi Usa said enthusiastically.

With that, the two childhood friends joined hands and followed the others.

--To Be Continued--

End Notes: again, thanks to Shanejayell for permission to reference the Locket. Also, thanks go out to the inventors of the lobster tank, the microphone, and Groucho glasses.


	17. Chapter 17

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--

--Omake Seventeen: The Return of the Star Lights--

"Wow." Ami said as she, Makoto, Rei, Haruka and Michiru, and Usagi and Mamoru were going up an elevator to an exclusive penthouse, "I still can't believe they've returned."

"So Ruka," Mamoru began, "Exactly what are the Star Lights like?"

"Let's see... Taiki is a nerd, Yaten is a self-opinionated jerk who's in love with himself, and Seiya's a letch. You watch Usagi around him like a hawk while I keep an eye on Michiru."

"Wonderful how you're able to hide your hostility toward them." Michiru said acerbically, "And who said I needed protection? I am a grown-up, remember?"

"How can I forget? 'Oh gee whiz, I can't seem to get this darn ol' zipper. Say Seiya, could you...'"

"Don't even go there!" Michiru started, "You are constantly flirting in front of me to watch me get jealous, but I do it to you just once back in '96 and I have yet to hear the end of it!"

Makoto turned to Rei, "Say," she whispered so Ami wouldn't hear, "Where's Minako and Setsuna? Don't they know the omake's started yet?"

"I was wondering that myself." The raven haired beauty answered. She then turned to Usagi, "Hey Usagi," she said in her normal tone of voice, "Where are Mina-chan and Sets-chan?"

"Oh, them?" the blonde responded, "Well apparently after the last story they decided to spend time with someone from the military."

As Ami shouted at Usagi for breaking the fourth wall, Rei and Mako-chan both looked at their princess with a puzzled look, "The military?" Makoto asked.

"Yeah." Usagi answered, "I overheard Setsuna invite Mina-chan over to the Outers house for Colonel Angus."

"U... Usagi..." Rei began as Haruka started to giggle and everyone else blushed beet red, "Are you sure Sets-chan said 'Colonel Angus' and not 'cuneling...'" before she could finish the question, the doors to the elevator opened and everyone got off.

They found the door to the penthouse open, and thus went in as a group. As Haruka hung protectively close to Michiru, Usagi called out, "Star Lights? We're here, what did you need?"

"It's our Princess, Princess Kakyuu. She's missing again." a voice called out from a side room, "And we're no longer the Star Lights."

With that, Yaten, Taiki and Seiya all came out dressed in hip-hop clothes, complete with bandannas, baggy pants hanging halfway down their hips so that the tops of their boxers were showing, and gold chains. Seiya (wearing no shirt, thus giving everyone a clear view of the "Thug-Life" tattoo on his chest) immediately gave both Michiru and Usagi leering stares.

"Seiya," Ami said, "Exactly what's going on, and why are you and the other Star Lights dressed like refugees from a Wu-Tang Clan video?"

"Look," the young man in question answered, "I already told you, we're not the Star Lights anymore. We're the Gang-Stars!"

"The _what_?" Michiru asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"That's right." Yaten said, adding, "And I'm no longer 'Yaten.' I'm now 'Violent Homicidal Y' biiiyyyyaaatch."

"And I'm now no longer Taiki." The tall, brainy member of the group added, "I'm now 'Bitch-Slapper T'."

"And I," Seiya added, "Am 'Seriously Deranged S'. And we three are..." Seiya's voice drifted as Haruka began to snicker from her seat, "Yo, Ruka." he said confrontationally, "You dissin' us?"

"You know," the sandy-blonde haired woman began, "Because of my Formula-One pit crew always listening to it, I've learned a thing or two about rap music. And to paraphrase one of the more popular rappers out there, 'you three ain't nothing but some wanksters'."

"Wanksters?" Taiki asked angrily, "Listen here G, I..."

"Calm down." Usagi said, "Ruka didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure you'll do great Bed-Wetter T, and..."

"That's 'Bitch-Slapper T,' not 'Bed-Wetter T'!"

"Well wait a second," Mamoru said, "How is going from being a boy band to a gangster rap group going to help you find the princess this time around?"

"Simple." Yaten said, "Last time we sang cute little teeny-bopper, bubblegum pop love songs to her, and it took an entire friggin' season for her to show up. This time though, through the magical power of gangsta rap, we're going to get her to come out sooner through _fear_. We'll get our Princess to come back to us by threatening to bury a cap in her ass if she doesn't. Here, check this out." he said as he flicked a switch on a huge sound system taking up most of the back wall of the room. Loud, drum-heavy bass music began to blare loudly from the speakers, and as the Senshi looked on the three would-be gangsters grabbed their mikes.

After some initial hip-hop posing and the flashing of fake gang signs, Bitch-Slapper T started off.

...

_"Yo! Yo!_

_Sailor Stars got my face on the TV_

_Now every ho and bitch wanna git wit me_

_But I got no love for hos, and in their ass my foot I will bury_

_So Princess Kakyuu gonna get smacked in a hurry_

_If she don't come out of hiding and get back wit us three!"_

...

At that, Yaten... er... Violent Homicidal Y took center stage.

...

_"Hey! I gots my A-K, gonna go, shoot her up_

_Make that punk-assed bitch cry like a lil' pup_

_I'm sick of waiting and if she don't hurry up_

_I'm gonna bury a cap in Kakyuu's B-cup!"_

...

The two continued on with the violent, misogynistic lyrics as the bass heavy music continued to blare in the background, all the while Seiya... er... Seriously Deranged S kept calling out words like "Yeah!" "What?" and "Okay!"

Four minutes later, the music finally stopped.

"So," Seriously Deranged S asked, "What did you think?"

"What?" Michiru asked, the sensitive violinist's ears still ringing from the music that was blaring.

"**I SAID, 'WHAT DID YOU THINK'?**"

"I'm not sure." The aqua-haired beauty answered, "Ask me again when that insipid racket ends and the music begins."

"That_ was_ the music." Haruka pointed out.

"What?" Michiru asked.

"**SHE SAID**... aw, screw it." Seriously Deranged S said, "So what did the rest of you think?"

"Awful." Rei answered.

"Terrible." Makoto said.

"My God, I used to be in their fan club." Ami said embarrassedly.

"Let me get this straight," Mamoru began, "The three of you got together to brainstorm, and _this_ is what you came up with?"

"Sheesh." Usagi said, "I think I now understand why she keeps ditching you three."

"I enjoyed it."

Everyone turned in shock to the person who gave the good review.

"R... Ruka?" Violent Homicidal Y asked dumbfounded, "You _liked_ it?"

"Absolutely." she said with a smile, "I haven't laughed this hard in months."

"Damn it!" the blonde Gang Star screamed as he yanked his bandanna off and threw it to the floor, "I told you two this wouldn't work! She's out there, possibly in danger, and we can't get to her." Yaten said despairingly.

"We can't give up, Yaten." Taiki said as he put a consoling hand on his friend's back.

"Here we go." Seiya quipped as he rolled his eyes.

"We're the Princess' guardians, and it's our duty to save her, by threatening homicide if necessary, and..."

"Seiya! Yaten! Taiki!" an angry, shrill voice shrieked from the doorway. Everyone in the room turned quickly to see a very angry Princess Kakyuu glaring at the three wanna-be gangster rappers. With her, holding onto her hand, was Chibi-Chibi.

"P-P-Princess," Taiki said nervously, "Um... How much did you hear?"

"Enough!" the Princess shouted.

"Oh shit." Yaten muttered.

Across the room, a very satisfied Haruka smiled happily as she sat in the front row for the ass-kicking that was about to take place. As she secretly hoped that Princess Kakyuu chose to open up a can of whupp-ass on Seiya first, the other Senshi began to become a bit anxious.

"I only left forty-five minutes ago!" the Princess said angrily, "I only went out for a bagel and a god-damned cup of coffee! I ran into Chibi-Chibi here and when I come back with this cute little ragamuffin, I hear you three threatening to bury a cap in my B-cup!"

"Um... Ruka-kun," Michiru said a bit nervously now that her hearing had returned, "We might want to leave now dear."

"No way!" Haruka answered with a smile on her face, "I am not about to miss this beat down."

As energy began to build up around Princess Kakyuu, Seiya decided to try to save himself.

"Fighter Star Power, Make-up!" he shouted, suddenly becoming a she as Sailor Starfighter now stood in the young man's place. "Princess, you wouldn't zap a girl..." she said as she reached behind her and pulled out a pair of sunglasses, "With glasses, would you?" she asked as she quickly put the shades on.

Princess Kakyuu just glared angrier as she now focused her attention on Sailor Starfighter.

"Shit." Starfighter whispered.

"Mamo-chan," Usagi said, "Do something."

Mamoru turned to his fiancée to give her a funny look, "Like what?" he asked. Looking at the others, and the looks Rei, Ami and Makoto were giving him, he sighed defeatedly.

"Very well," he said, "I'll go try to stave off this family struggle of theirs." he then got up from his chair and started to walk over.

"Take this!" Princess Kakyuu shouted as she fired a bolt of energy at Sailor Starfighter.

"Now see here Princess," Mamoru began as Starfighter ducked the blast, "I..." Usagi's fiancée was cut off as the energy bolt hit him. The attack was never meant to kill Starfighter, but only to punish her. In her Starfighter form it couldn't have killed her anyways, but it would've been comparable to a slap on the wrist or a spanking on a disobedient child. A bit painful, but no lasting ill effects.

Unfortunately, it struck Mamoru. Being an earthling, the effects on his anatomy were quite different.

As everyone stared silently at the wisps of smoke rising from the pair of shoes Mamoru was standing in only seconds earlier, Princess Kakyuu's anger at her three guardians was immediately replaced by remorse for vaporizing Mamoru.

"U... Usagi," Kakyuu began sorrowfully, "I... I'm so sorry. I..."

"Mamo-chan?" Usagi muttered as she stared at the two shoes, "Oh God..."

"Usagi." Rei whispered as she took the shocked woman into her arms and held her as the blonde cried.

"Well," Makoto said sternly to the three former teen idols and their Princess, "I hope the four of you learned your lesson."

"We did." Yaten said with his head bowed low, "Gangsta rap is evil, because it leads to a life of violence."

Ami looked over to Chibi-Chibi who was still watching everything silently, "And did you learn anything little Chibi-Chibi?"

The youngster smiled as she nodded, "Chibi chibbi... biiiyyyyaaatch!" she answered.

Meanwhile, Rei still held onto the weeping Usagi.

"Usagi," the shrine maiden said, "Please don't cry. Mamoru's dead, but you'll love again."

The blonde looked up at Rei as she wiped her eyes, "R... Rei-chan," she began, "I'm clumsy, I eat too much, and I'm a whiner. Mamoru wasn't much, but he was at least willing to overlook all that. Who else would want someone like me?"

Rei pulled Usagi over to her, surprising her as she answered her question with a kiss to the lips.

"I would." Rei answered, "I've been secretly in love with you for a while now. If... If you were willing to give me a chance, I..." she was cut off as Usagi herself pulled her into a second kiss.

"I... I love you too." she said, "Why didn't you tell me how you felt sooner though? All this time, settling for Mamoru because I thought the person I really loved..."

"Tell you what," Michiru said as she walked over to the pair, "You two go off, the rest of us will clean up everything back here."

"It's the least we can do." Princess Kakyuu said.

"Agreed." Sailor Starfighter said as she sauntered over to Michiru, "You guys can clean up the mess out here while Michi-chan and I take care of the mess in the bedroom."

"Seiya," Haruka growled, "You have three seconds to get away from my wife before I..."

As the squabbling started up, Usagi and Rei joined hands and headed toward the door, pausing before they left to say goodbye to Chibi Chibi.

"Goodbye Chibi-Chibi." Usagi said, "Rei and I are off to start a new life together."

"Take care of yourself." Rei said as she patted the ultra kawaii little girl on the head.

Chibi-Chibi looked up at the two young women and smiled cutely.

"Chibi chibi, biiiyyyyaaatch!" she said as she waved them goodbye.

--To Be Continued--

End notes: Giving credit where credit is due, the "Colonel Angus" joke is actually inspired by a Saturday Night Live sketch.

Once again, thank you all for the warm response and good reviews you've given me since starting this silly little series. They really do inspire me to keep coming up with these, and you are all deeply appreciated.


	18. Chapter 18

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--

--Editorial--

"Ladies and gentleman," an annoyed voice began, "For no good reason whatsoever, here's yet another interminable editorial against the series Mamoru Must Die."

Two women appear on screen standing side-by-side against the usual curtain background.

"Greetings." the first one said, "I'm of course Princess Kakyuu. You no doubt remember me from Sailor Stars and the last omake."

"And I'm Sailor Galaxia." the other stated, "You'll remember me of course as the villain of Sailor Stars, who was redeemed in the end by Sailor Moon's kindly heart, and who then ended the series by floating above the ground in her birthday suit with Usagi."

"How could they forget?" Princess Kakyuu put in, "The images from that finale are all over the internet hentai sites. Do you have any idea how many places on the web have pictures of the two of you naked together?"

"(sigh) Don't remind me. I'm still in litigation with the producers for leaking those behind the scene photos to the press. I mean, you make one little nude scene when you're younger, and for the rest of your life you're haunted by it. I..."

"Galaxia, dear." Kakyuu gently chided.

"Oops, oh yeah. Right. Anyways, we're sure you out there at home are all wondering what in the world could possibly bring two one-time mortal enemies like us together like this. Well, if you pan the camera down you'll see why we're out here."

The camera panned down to reveal Chibi Chibi standing between the two wearing gold chains around her little neck, a pair of sunglasses on her face, and her pink hair done up into cornrows. She smiled as she waved to the camera.

"Chibi chibi biiiyyyyaaatch!" she said in her kawaii little voice.

The camera then panned back up to the concerned faces of Princess Kakyuu and Sailor Galaxia.

"That's right ladies and gentleman," the Princess said, "This stupid omake series you're reading even now has taken cute little Chibi Chibi here, once the most kawaii character in anime history, and has turned her into a gangsta bitch!"

"And where does the blame lay?" Galaxia asked, "Sadly, it lies with both the author of this trash and the viewing public who reads this. And poor little Chibi Chibi here is the victim."

"Good point Galaxia, and very well put." Princess Kakyuu said. Galaxia suddenly smiled at the woman next to her.

"Well I... Really?" the most powerful Sailor Senshi of them all asked, "You really think I did a good job there just now?"

"Wha... Well, of course. You have a very commanding voice. I first noticed it of course when you were possessed by Chaos and trying to kill me, but now that you're a good guy again you still have a marvelous speaking voice."

"Wow... Thanks." Galaxia said as a slight blush suddenly colored her cheeks, "You know," she began, "You have a good... No, a beautiful voice yourself. It matches well the beauty in your face."

Now it was the Princess' turn to blush, "Th... Thank you." she said, adding, "You're... Quite the looker yourself, you know."

"Really?" Sailor Galaxia said stepping closer. "P... Princess... Can I call you just Kakyuu?" she asked.

"Of course." the Princess answered.

"Kakyuu, would... Would you like to... Maybe go somewhere to talk. You know, possibly get to know each other a little better? I mean, we're no longer trying to kill each other, so..."

"I... I'd like that." Kakyuu said as she met Galaxia's eyes, "I know just the place, too. It's in a fanfic by Shanejayell two stories over. If we leave now, we should be able to get a good table."

With that, Princess Kakyuu put her hand in the crook of Galaxia's arm as the two continued to stare mesmerized into each other's eyes. As the two wandered off smiling, the camera panned back down to the ghetto-ized Chibi Chibi.

"Chibi chibi biiiyyyyaaatch!" the kawaii little thug said as she flashed a gang sign.

--

--Omake Eighteen: The Fairy Tale--

Once upon a time, in the enchanted land of fairies, unicorns and goblins known as Crystal Tokyo, there was a terrible fire-breathing dragon who did steal the young and beautiful Princess Serenity away from the Kingdom, along with three of her beautiful Ladies in Waiting.

There was the elegant and refined Court Musician, Lady Michiru.

The strong yet cute Court Cook, Lady Makoto.

And finally the beautiful Gate Keeper, Duchess Setsuna.

The Kingdom of Crystal Tokyo was outraged by this cruel action taken against the four helpless young lasses, and in the great meeting hall the Duke of Ellington, the Count of Basie, and Louis of Satchmo all decided that something had to be done and done immediately. Scouring the Kingdom for the bravest and finest to go slay the dragon and save the four maidens, they ended up with a knightly dream-team of Prince Endymion of Hapless, Sir Ruka of Butch, Sir Rei of the Sacred Flame, Sir Mina of Quirky, and Sir Ami of Grey-Matter.

And of course Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic.

"Brave Sir Knights," Louis of Satchmo began in a gravelly voice, "Together you five shall set out in search of the foul monster. With you go our hopes and prayers, as well as our three best young squires, Seiya, Taiki and Yaten."

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Hello." the three squires in question sang out as they now came into the Royal hall. Rei raised an eyebrow.

"_They're_ our squires?" the raven-haired young knight asked skeptically.

"They don't look like much." Sir Ruka of Butch said, pointing at Seiya as she added, "Especially **that** one."

"Now, now." Prince Endymion of Hapless interrupted, "He just said they were the best squires, did he not? I'm sure we'll be in competent hands."

"Certainly, we're all incompetent." Seiya said in reply. Taiki looked over angrily at his fellow squire.

"Pick out two." he ordered as he held his hand in front of Seiya.

"One, two. **OW**!" Seiya shrieked as Taiki poked him in the eyes.

"Hey, leave him alone." Yaten said, only to be answered for his troubles by a smack to the face by Taiki.

"Quiet numbskull!" the taller squire threatened. Sir Mina rolled her eyes.

"If those three are to be doing that all through this knavish story, then this is going to be one loooong omake." the blonde knight quipped.

"Fourth... aw, forget it. I do give up." Sir Ami said as she bowed her head and raised her arms in defeat, "Let us just cut to the next scene already."

--

In a dark stone room near the top of a large stone tower, four beautiful young women were chained to a wall.

"My Princess," Duchess Setsuna said sorrowfully, "I'm afraid we've failed you."

"No," Serenity said, "Surely you have not failed me yet. None of you have."

"Serenity," Lady Michiru began, "How can you say that? We're you're ladies in waiting; it's our responsibility to..."

"We're only failures if we give up." Serenity answered, "I'm sure that even now a rescue party is being put together by the nobles at Court, and we may yet escape this foul villainy."

"That's right," Lady Makoto said, adding, "Always remember; as long as there is life there is hope, and..." her voice trailed off as the heavy sounds of something large coming toward them up the tower stairs could be heard. Suddenly, the huge red dragon in question came into the room through the large door, its huge membranous wings pulled in tight to its sides to give it the necessary clearance.

"Heaven's to Murgatroyd." the dragon said in a slightly effeminate voice, "Next time I kidnap a princess I should use a larger prison, a big cave even."

"Ugh." Serenity grunted as she pulled against the chains holding her fast to the wall, "What do you want, o fearsome one? Why have you kidnapped me and my Ladies in waiting?"

"Oh that?" the dragon asked with a smile, "I want to be in control of the Kingdom, the throne even. I already have a large enough secret stash of gold under this tower to hire my own army, mercenaries even. But I decided to instead go to the top and kidnap you, the Princess even. This way I'll keep my gold and the nobles will give me the Kingdom to get you back, safely even."

"And... And pray, what of us?" Lady Michiru asked nervously.

"Oh, I plan on eating the three of you. You're my dinner, supper even. I..." the scaly monster's voice trailed off as the sound of a squire's trumpet announced the presence of the Royal Ladies' rescuers. The monster looked out the stone window behind Duchess Setsuna.

"Heaven's to Murgatroyd." the dragon said, "It looks like a gaggle of Knights, Dragon-Slayers even." He then turned to the four captives, "You girls wait here while I take care of this. Exit, stage left." he said as he left the room.

--

Tension filled the brave group as the knights quickly dismounted from their horses and put on their helmets, arming themselves with their swords, shields, spears, bows and arrows and battle axes. As Yaten finished blowing on his trumpet, the deadly dragon appeared in the skies above them, flying around in circles high above the rescue party as billowing flames belched from its cavernous mouth.

As the knights anxiously awaited the dragon's attack, Taiki turned to Seiya.

"Listen puddin' head," Taiki said, "This may be our big break."

"Right." Seiya said as he fearfully watched the dragon flying above them, "We'll make a break for it while they're not looking."

**Smack!**

"Not that kind of break you ignoramus!" Taiki said, "I mean this may be our chance to become knights."

"How are we going to do that?" Yaten asked as he came over to his fellow squires.

"Simple stupid; you grab that extra spear Sir Rei of the Sacred Flame brought with her. Seiya, you take that spare bow and arrow hanging off the rear of Sir Mina of Quirky's saddle."

The two quickly grabbed the objects and yanked them over, in the process both ended up getting Taiki in the gut with the blunt end of the weapons.

"Eh, Taiki, we're sorry." Seiya said as Taiki clutched his abdomen painfully.

"Does it hurt?" Yaten asked. Taiki narrowed his eyes as he frowned angrily at his two fellow squires.

"No, does **THIS**?!" he asked as he smacked them both.

Meanwhile, Sir Ruka of Butch clung white-knuckled onto her large sword, her shield held up in front of her. She looked over to her right to see Sir Ami of Grey-Matter, sweat beginning to run down the nervous young knight's brow.

"Hey, Sir Ami?" The sandy-blonde knight asked as she tried to distract Ami from the upcoming combat, "Should we live through this, what do you plan to do?"

"Well," the smaller knight answered as she held onto her spear, "You know the taller Lady in waiting, Lady Makoto? I..." she blushed as her voice dropped to just above a whisper, "I'm going to ask for her hand. Yourself?"

Sir Ruka smiled, "I have my eyes set on the aqua-haired lass, Lady Michiru." she answered. She then turned to Sir Mina, her golden locks all but covered by the heavy metal helmet she wore upon her head, "Good Sir Mina, when this is all over..."

"The fair Duchess Setsuna." she answered, not waiting for Sir Ruka to finish her question, "Hers is a quiet and mysterious beauty, but it has still captured my heart. She would be a welcome, calming influence upon me. And you good Sir Rei?" the blonde asked as she turned to the knight standing to her left.

Sir Rei of the Sacred Flame almost answered, but held her tongue when she turned to Prince Endymion the Hapless. He it was that was engaged to the good Princess Serenity, and it was no use pining away for a love that would never be hers.

She was pulled out of her thoughts as the dragon suddenly came down in a spiraling nosedive, pulling up at the last moment and knocking both knights and squires down by the force of its backdraft. The monstrous creature then came down to land behind the group, meaning that the three squires who were behind the knights before were now in front of them.

"Come on numbskulls!" Taiki said, "Now's our chance to... Hey Seiya! You're holding the bow backwards stupid."

"What?" Seiya asked as he let the arrow go sailing behind him.

**Ka-Thunk!**

The three squires turned to join the horrified knights who were staring as the arrow sticking in the middle of Prince Endymion's forehead. As they watched, the Prince's eyes rolled up to the back of his head and he fell backward, dead.

Taiki turned angrily to Seiya.

"Why you puddin' head!" he said as he poked Seiya in the eyes.

"Heavens to Murgatroyd," the dragon began, "You knights aren't very good at this, terrible even!"

"Terrible, eh?" Sir Ruka growled as she and Sir Ami stalked forward, "Let's see how terrible we are now!" she yelled as she rushed forward, sword in hand. Before she could attack however, the dragon reached one of its clawed hands forward and easily plucked the sword from Ruka's hand. She then tossed the brave knight aside, flinging her into Sir Ami, knocking the spear from the smaller knight's hand.

As the two valiant knights struggled to get back to their feet, Sir Mina ran forward, holding her shield up in front of her as she clutched tightly onto her battle axe.

"Time to do the fire breathing bit, cook ya even." the dragon said just before letting loose with a steady stream of hot billowing flames aimed at the brave young blonde. Sir Mina crouched behind the shield, clenching her teeth as she clutched onto the now red-hot shield while it painfully began to burn her hands.

The dragon stopped just long enough to swat the shield away from Sir Mina's scorched hands. It then took a deep breath, intending to let loose with a fatal blast.

**Thunk!**

"Ow!" the dragon bellowed as an arrow buried itself painfully into its paw, "That arrow hurt, smarts even!" The monster then turned in time to see the archer, Sir Rei of the Sacred Flame, tossing the bow aside as she picked up the spear that good Sir Ami dropped.

"How did you get through my defenses when your fellow knights couldn't, failed even?" the dragon asked.

"Well, if you'd bothered to read the script for this omake," Rei snarled, smiling grimly as she aimed her spear, "You'd know by now I'm the **hero!**" she said, grunting a bit as she flung the spear and struck the dragon in its evil black heart.

The dragon clutched its chest, "H... Heavens to M... M... Murgatroyd..." it said just before falling to the ground dead.

--

"Eat us!" Lady Makoto said, "The foul beast did say it was going to..."

"Ladies, please." Princess Serenity said, "I do beseech you not to give up yet. If my heroic knight does but show up, I promise we will all be delivered safely." her voice trailed off at the end as she and the others suddenly heard sounds coming up the steps of the tower.

"The dragon!" Lady Michiru cried fearfully as Duchess Setsuna tried to bravely face her impending death, the lone tear running down her right cheek the only outward sign of her fear.

Then from the stairs, the four captives did hear...

**Smack!**

"Ow!"

"Hey, leave him alone."

"Quiet pickle-puss!"

**Thump!**

"Ah, my head!"

Slowly, wearily, the four remaining knights staggered into the room. Sir Ruka sported a black eye, Ami a small bruise on her forehead above her left eyebrow, and Mina's hands were both badly burned. Rei alone seemed the least injured, suffering but a small scrape to her knee when she and the others were knocked to the ground by the dragon swooping down just above them.

As the three squires now came into the room behind the knights, Sir Ruka of Butch did use the sword she retrieved after the dragon was slain to cut the shackles of the Princess and her Ladies in Waiting.

"Sir Ruka!" Lady Michiru said, reaching out her hand to examine the sandy-blonde's injured eye. Ruka intercepted her however, taking the musician's soft hand in hers.

"It was worth it, milady." The knight said, "To see you and those beautiful eyes of yours I did fall in love with at Court once again safe and sound." She then bent low and gallantly kissed the back of the young maiden's hand.

"Good Sir Knight!" Setsuna said as she looked at Mina's burnt palms, "You... you did this for us?"

"For you, fair Duchess," Sir Mina said as she looked into Setsuna's violet eyes, "I would fight the devil himself, if the prize were your heart."

"Um..." Sir Ami of Grey-Matter began shyly as she stood in front of Lady Makoto, "I, um..." she was cut off as the taller young woman suddenly pulled her into a hug, burying the blushing knight's face into her bosom.

"My hero." Makoto gushed as she then bent over, kissing the brave Sir Knight on the lips.

Rei looked on smilingly as her fellow knights won the fair damsels of their dreams. Her smile faded as Princess Serenity came over.

"Brave Sir Knight," she said, "Sir Rei of the Sacred Flame, I pray thee; where is Prince Endymion the Hapless? What happened to him?"

Sir Rei sighed while the three squires tried to whistle innocently as they began to make their way to the exit.

"He... He was killed in the battle milady." Sir Rei answered.

The Princess looked deep into the knight's dark eyes for a few seconds, then, "You... were the one who killed the dragon, weren't you?"

"Aye." Sir Rei answered nodding her head, "It was I who slew the foul beast."

Princess Serenity then surprised good Sir Rei by embracing the raven-haired warrior.

"I knew you would," she said as she reached up and put her hand behind the knight's head, "My heroic knight." she whispered before pulling her champion into a loving kiss.

And so the brave group of knights and their fair maidens left the dark stone tower behind and returned to Crystal Tokyo, where they all lived happily ever after.

Except for Seiya and Yaten, who continued to get the shit beat out of them by Taiki on a regular basis.

--To Be Continued--

End Notes: Damn that was a long one! Anyways, yes, that was a reference to Arisugawa's Locket by Shanejayell again in the editorial.


	19. Chapter 19

Mamoru Must Die!

Rated for possible violence and definite shoujo-ai content

Disclaimer- I don't own any of it.

--Editorial--

"Ladies and gentleman," a voice tiredly announces, "Yet again we... Well, you know the drill by now."

Standing in front of the curtain are two young men.

"Hello," the first man said, "I'm Chiba Mamoru from the manga Sailor Moon, created by Takeuchi Naoko."

"And I," the second young man began, "Am Chiba Mamoru from the live-action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon TV show, and the two of us are out here because of this retarded omake series killing off the anime version of us over and over again!"

"Right!" the manga Mamoru said as he nodded his head, "I mean, granted, the artwork in the anime is nowhere near as cool as the manga, and the whole flower thing... I never used flowers! I mean, I can guarantee you Takeuchi-sempai wasn't in the room when the brain trust writing the anime came up with that."

"Mamo-kun..." the live-action Mamoru murmured out of the corner of his mouth.

"Oh, right. That being said, Takeuchi-sempai also never had any of us running around in Marx Brothers disguises, Chibi Chibi saying 'biiiyyyyaaatch!' all the time, or constant references to microphones and lobster tanks. I mean, what the hell is with that?"

"Agreed." The live-action Mamoru said, "And nowhere, in any of the incarnations of Sailor Moon, was there any sort of story arc involving the violent death of the male lead in order to make way for a romance for the characters of Hino Rei and Tsukino Usagi."

"Which is what brings the two of us out here." the manga Mamoru added, "You see, we have a little gift for each and every one of you reading this." With that, the manga Mamoru turned to the live action Mamoru. They both nodded, then turned back to the audience.

"Be da!" they both shouted as they pulled their lower right eyelids down and stuck their tongues out, giving all the viewers the Japanese version of the Bronx cheer known as the akanbe.

"That's right!" the live-action Mamoru said triumphantly, "The series are now over, and guess what: I WON! Usagi's mine, and Rei's still just a lonely little lesbian pining away for my girlfriend."

"Ha ha!" the manga Mamoru laughed smugly, "How does it feel to know that the romance you all really want to see will never take place? Yeah, that's right; I'm talking to you out there, squeezing your zits as you read this crap! Maybe if you stopped reading garbage like this and went outside your mom's basement, you could get a girlfriend too!"

"Yeah, right." the other said sarcastically, "Hey everyone, you know what I'm going to do now? I'm going to go back to my reality, and I'm going to kiss Usagi right in front of Rei. And then, when Rei runs off to cry, I'm going to laugh my ass off!"

"Good one!" the manga Mamoru said, "And me? I'm going to dump Usagi and tell her it's because of some stupid dream I had. Then, I'm going to go home and laugh my ass off knowing she'll be waiting like a wounded pup for me to take her back!"

The two Mamoru's then began to laugh as they pointed at the audience.

"So screw the lot of you pathetic otaku." the live-action Mamoru said as he flashed the middle finger.

"That's right, we..." manga Mamoru's voice drifted off as a paper airplane flew over to him. He grabbed it and unfolded it to find a note written on it. "What's this?" he asked as he read the message written in red crayon, "'And now, as a special 'thank you' to all the fans of this series out there, it gives me great pleasure to offer up a little three-for-one special'."

"Three for one special?" the live-action Mamoru asked, "What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't know but... Oh hold on, there's more. 'P.S. Look up'." The manga version of Mamoru did so, just a split second before a large square object with "16-Ton Weight" written on its side landed on him with a thunderous crash, splintering the wooden floorboards beneath it.

"Holy shit!" the live action-Mamoru cried out, quickly looking up to make sure there was nothing up above waiting to drop on him. Which was unfortunate, since if he'd been paying more attention to the floor he would've seen the trap door to the alligator pit open up beneath him.

"AAAAAAAAA!"

Splash!

At that, both the Usagi and Rei from the manga, as well as the Usagi and Rei from the live-action series came out. As both of the Usagi's began to cry, the pair of Reis both took their respective friends in their arms. As both the live-action Rei and manga version held their Usagis close, they both looked out at the audience and winked as they gave a thumbs-up sign.

--

--Omake Nineteen: Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon--

Mamoru, along with the Inner Senshi, were gathered at the Outer's summer home by the sea for tea as they all said goodbye to a very special guest.

"Oh, I say." the middle-aged Englishman in the British military uniform said, "I'm afraid it's time for this old soldier to leave. You've all been deucedly nice to me, especially Miss Aino and Miss Meioh. You've both been delightful hostesses."

"Thank you very much Colonel Angus." Minako said cheerfully from her seat on Setsuna's lap.

"It was wonderful to see you again, and please remember to stop by on your next visit to Japan." Setsuna added, waving as the Colonel left.

"I'll be damned." Makoto whispered to Ami, "Usagi really did hear Mina and Setsuna correctly."

Usagi looked around, "Hey, where's Hotaru?" the blonde asked, "I haven't seen her in awhile."

"Hmmm..." Setsuna said as Minako shifted a bit in her lap, "Now that you mention it, she has been gone an awful long time."

Just then, the young girl in question came quietly into the room. Michiru turned to her daughter with a smile. The smile quickly faded as she saw the look in Hotaru's face.

"Taru-chan?" the artist asked, noting how her daughter was looking down at the ground, "Taru dear, what's wrong?"

"Um..." the girl began, "Well I, um... Oh..."

Michiru became concerned, "Taru-chan, it's me, your Michiru-mama. You know you can tell me anything. Now what's wrong?"

Hotaru blushed as she bent over and whispered into her Michiru-mama's ear. The artist's face suddenly lit up as tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. Haruka, noting the reaction Michiru was having, immediately went into over-protective parent mode.

"What?" the sandy-blonde demanded, "What happened?"

"Taru-chan?" Michiru asked, ignoring Haruka's question, "Are... Are you sure?"

"Well..." the child said embarrassedly, "I'm pretty sure. I mean, it's hard to mistake something like that..." Hotaru was cut off as Michiru hugged her close in a motherly embrace.

"Taru-chan?" Setsuna asked as Minako got up from her lap, "what's going on?" the Time Senshi asked, now just as anxious as Haruka

"Well," Hotaru said as she blushed even worse than before, "I..."

"Our..." Michiru began, her lower lip starting to quiver with emotion, "Our precious little girl is now a woman."

Mamoru raised an eyebrow at that. He looked around, confused by all the fond and loving looks both the Inner and Outer Senshi were giving Hotaru. Obviously Usagi and the others knew something he didn't. Both the girl's Haruka-papa and Setsuna-mama then came over to join Michiru in giving the young Senshi of Death a group hug.

"Um, ladies?" Mamoru asked, "I... I don't get it. What exactly happened? How is Hotaru now no longer a girl?"

"Because," Haruka said, her face beaming with parental pride, "Our

little Hotaru is having her first period!"

Mamoru flinched. It wasn't that he wasn't happy for Hotaru and her parents, but being a guy the last thing he wanted to hear about was feminine hygiene.

"Well, uh, congratulations, I guess." Mamoru said, hoping that would be the end of it.

"You know," Minako said fondly, "I can remember my first period."

"Oh no." Mamoru whispered under his breath.

"I was twelve." the Senshi of Love began, "And I can remember my mom pulling me aside and saying 'That's it young lady, it's time to give you the talk.' And I was all like, 'Oh no mom, not the sex talk.' And she was all like, 'Oh yeah, that one.' And then I had to sit there and listen to a talk about vaginas and eggs and sperm from my mother! I wanted to die!"

"So have you decided whether you're going to use a pad or a tampon yet?" Usagi asked, oblivious to Mamoru's growing discomfort.

"Well, um..." Hotaru began, blushing once again.

"You don't have to feel embarrassed," Makoto said in a reassuring voice, "We're all sisters here (well, except for Mamoru of course)."

Mamoru closed his eyes, groaning quietly as he tried to ignore the conversation going on around him.

"I can remember," Makoto went on, "I stayed away from tampons at first because I was afraid I'd loose my virginity if I used one."

All the women in the room laughed at that.

"When you do decide," Ami added, "Keep a few things in mind. Like, do you plan to be active that day, and how heavy your flow will be. And don't forget to be careful of toxic shock syndrome if you choose to use a tampon."

"That's my little doctor." Makoto said as she hugged Ami. Mamoru, having lost all color in his face, was praying that this conversation would end already.

"I personally find my psychic abilities are heightened during my menstrual cycle." Rei said smiling, "I mean sure, there's the cramps and the bloating and all that, but..."

"Oh yeah!" Haruka said, "Who can forget the cramps and the bloating? You feeling any cramps now firefly?" she asked as she playfully ruffled Hotaru's hair.

"Well," Hotaru admitted, "A little bit, but not too bad I guess."

"I can remember," Setsuna said, "This one time I had to fight a youma with you all while I was on my period. Trying to out-maneuver a monster while you're suffering cramps is no fun, believe me!"

"Tell me about it." Usagi said, "I mean, some of those poses I have to do while releasing an attack are a pain when I'm feeling bloated. I... Mamo-chan? Are you okay? You don't look so good."

Everyone turned to see Mamoru cringing in his chair. His face had taken on a greenish hue, and he looked a bit nauseous.

"Ur... Uh... I, I think I'm going to go outside and get some fresh air." he said as he got up and started for the door.

"Oh, okay." Usagi said, turning back to Hotaru, "Anyways, another thing to think about is scented pads and douches. Because let me tell you, the smells that can accompany that time of the month are..."

Mamoru left the mansion and headed for the cliffs overlooking the seashore. He needed to get some fresh air and try to forget the conversation he'd just heard. He was about to get his cell phone out to call some of his guy friends to get together with them, when he turned to see a young woman walking alongside an older one. As the sun shone down upon them and seagulls flew overhead the younger woman turned to her companion.

"Momma?" she asked, "What do you do when you get cramps?"

"Well hon," the mother said as she smiled at her daughter, "I..."

"AAAAAAAARRRRGH!" Mamoru screamed as he covered his ears and closed his eyes, running as fast as he could away from the pair. Regrettably, with his hands over his ears he didn't hear the mother and daughter trying to warn him of danger. And with his eyes closed he didn't see the cliff until he fell off it to his death.

The mother and daughter looked over the side of the cliff as Usagi and the others, hearing Mamoru's scream, ran over as well.

"Wow, I can't believe it." The mother gasped before turning back to her daughter, "He... He just ran full speed off the cliff to his death.

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi screamed in shock as she looked over the cliff face. "What happened?"

"Damned if I know." the daughter said, "I just asked my mother a question about what to do about cramps, and he went nuts and ran off the cliff."

"You mean," Michiru said in shock, "He... he committed suicide rather than hear about..."

"I knew it." Hotaru said sadly, "I knew this meant I was dirty."

"No!" Usagi shouted, "It meant that Mamoru was a baka!"

"Usagi!" Rei gasped in shock.

"Why is it," Usagi began, "That we as women are expected to sit through their stupid ball games..."

"I like watching ball games." Haruka interjected.

"...cook and clean for them..."

"I like cooking and cleaning." Makoto mumbled.

"And you're excellent at it too, dear." Ami whispered as she squeezed Mako-chan's hand.

"...and pretend we care when they tell us about their bad days, but when we try to talk about our feminine hygiene men get grossed out and either have to leave the room or commit suicide!"

"Actually," Minako interrupted, "As far as the suicide part, I think Mamoru's alone on that one."

"No Taru-chan," Usagi continued on with her angry tirade, "You're not dirty, you're normal! And if men can't accept that this is the way we women are, then in the Name of the Moon I say screw them!"

"Usagi-chan?" Rei asked, "You... You really mean that?"

"Absolutely Rei-chan. From this point onward I, Tsukino Usagi, do hereby swear off all men!"

"You know," Haruka said as she turned to Michiru, "That is quite possibly the single dumbest reason I've ever heard of for someone deciding to become a lesbian."

"What do you mean dumb?" Michiru asked defensively, "That's why I became a lesbian!"

A second or two of silence passed between the two.

"Let me guess." Haruka said, "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, aren't I?"

As the sandy-blond then began to try to patch things up with her partner, Rei walked slowly over to Usagi.

"U... Usagi-chan..." the raven-haired beauty began, "If you're serious, about giving up men I mean, then... Then would you..."

Usagi smiled at her fellow Senshi, "Rei-chan? Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." Rei said nervously.

Usagi looked into Rei's eyes for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed the Fire Senshi softly on the lips. As the two broke the kiss and hugged one another, the mother and daughter who were walking along the cliff side made their way away from the group.

"Wow." the daughter said, "What do you make of all that momma?"

"Humph, a bunch of kooks if you ask me." she said, "Anyways, next time you get a cramp like that while you're swimming, you should be alright if you remember to rub your thigh until it subsides and..."

--To Be Continued--

End Notes: Before anyone goes off, yeah, I know the Rei/Usagi pairing is far less likely in the manga or live action Sailor Moons than in the anime. It's still funny though.

Also, special thanks goes out to FrozenPredator for the suggestion of making Colonel Angus a real person, and Sydney Clock making a suggestion about Haruka being on her time of the month and setting my warped mind off in this direction instead.

Finally, thanks go out to Shanejayell who, in the latest episode of Arisugawa's Locket, makes a reference to Mamoru stumbling into the locket back in omake fifteen! Go check it out in the Utena fanfic section now.


End file.
